I’m not for everyone. I notice with great sadness that the pattern seems to be that I slowly invest more in people over time and once they get to know me a little too well they don’t want to be near me any more. My relationships survive as long as I don’t see any particular person too often and I don’t share too much of my inner process.

There is a line. People don’t like what they see once they get past that line. Well, Noah is ok with it. No one else ever has been.

It’s ok. It really is. If I bother you then it is appropriate for you to opt out of knowing me.

It is not my responsibility to change in order to make you more comfortable. I am not capable of doing so. If I make you feel bad then limit my influence as much as necessary to make yourself feel safe. I’m not going to show up at your house to come looking for you. The limit of my threat is occasional rambly apologies for many years to come because I know I am not nice. I have waves of shame and occasionally I go through and send out a bunch of apologies when I’m in fits of self-loathing. I think people roll their eyes and delete them. I have no control over that step.

I can only keep doing what I am doing. This is why I don’t feel like going out and investing in communities. I like seeing who comes to me. Then I don’t have to feel disrupted by the changes in the eddies around me. Who visits changes but what I do doesn’t.

What am I doing at this phase? I talk to my kids. I garden. I am creating the house I want to spend my old age in. My home base. I write. I run. I read. I help my kids create friendships. I see friends and have relationships in front of my kids.

Friends come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. You have to deal with people not coming around any more. Unfortunately my children will have to deal with the fact that people come and go from my life. I know that other people have more consistency. I have very little control over how other people feel about me. I can only decide on my actions and follow them through.

I should continue to act in a positive way towards people who do not want to be in my life. They are creating boundaries. That is good. I want them to do that. I do not want to be responsible for those boundaries. I can’t know where they need to be.

It’s ok. I have learned in my life that there are always more people to meet. My monkey sphere is only so big. It is ok that people self select out. It means I have the spoons to meet someone else. I miss the people who leave but I can’t control them so I move on.

That’s what life is, right? That’s what this moving on business means. I don’t sit at home lonely. Not really. Well, I feel lonely but I am rarely alone. Actually my alone time is wonderful. It feels lovely because I am rarely alone. My lonely is existential. My lonely is a fear deep in my soul that keeps me from feeling completely connected to people.

They will all leave me, one way or another. I can’t depend on them too much.

This is just the human condition. No bitterness. No anger. This is just life. It has to be ok.

I’m glad that people take steps to not let me hurt them. I don’t want to hurt them. I do not mean to hurt them. I am not trying to hurt them. If I am doing so unintentionally then yes, I need to be stopped.

I have to believe that is good policy. I am trying to raise kids who believe that they are not required to put up with shit from me. We’ll see how this goes once we get out of “Mommy is God”.

I can only really care about how Noah, Shanna, and Calli care about me. I don’t think I have the spoons this lifetime to actually care about any one else. They either like me or they don’t. Keep walking.

I will work on my behavior with these three people. If other people like or don’t like me I can’t control that. Keep walking.

Oh man. I need to stop this self loathing cycle pretty much any second. I have a wedding to prepare for. The wedding is twelve days away. I really should have a finalized speech for the couple in the next two days. I have to find a reason to like me so that I can stop wallowing in how much I suck. That won’t exactly be a good speech.

It’s not about me. It’s about them. They selected me. They have chosen to maintain a relationship with me so obviously they appreciate my point of view. It is ok that my point of view doesn’t work for everyone they believe it works for them.

They want me to talk about growth and change. They want me to talk about relationship expectations. They care about my perspective. How do I help them look at one another more objectively and understand what it is that the other person wants as an agreement?

I feel like that is kind of my role in this. I’m helping them correctly ask for the marriage they want. It doesn’t matter if I think it is “right” or not. I’m just trying to help them refine their language.

But not this morning. Food. Farmers market. See friend. Rest. See other friend. Sleep.

It’s a busy day.