The wedding has happened. It was breath taking and wonderful. I got a lot of compliments on my speech so I guess that went well. The girls were the belles of the ball. They were charming, well behaved, and up for fun at every second.

I wish I didn’t leave weddings sobbing. I wish that I didn’t leave and want to go home to my nice private bathroom with a lock on the door and a nice scalpel. I clearly am not someone who deserves to be loved like they do. Clearly I am someone who deserves to be hated.

Let me tell you, no one is singing made up (really quite good and funny) songs about how happy they are to have me in their life. My brother and sister don’t tell people that I am inspirational and their favorite person. My mother and father don’t cry as they tell me how proud of me they are.

I feel like a petty self absorbed piece of shit. I held it together until I left. They don’t need to see me cry. It isn’t their problem.

I am not anyones problem. Well, Noah. He’s nice to me.

Shanna asked why I was crying. Calli asked if I was sad. I said I was sad. I thought about deflecting and just not answering Shanna. Instead I told her, “Because when I go to weddings and see how much the mommies and daddies love their children I feel sad because I am not loved like that. It’s hard. Luckily you will be loved like that.”

Shanna told me at great length that I am loved. I have her and Calli and Daddy. She loves me enough to make up for them.

I wish. I’m going to go cry now.