I dislike how much of my mood cycling is attached to people paying attention to me. When I feel generally unlikable I am overall much less able to rebound from emotions. Weekends are often kind of hard because even though Noah is around I don’t talk to K (my daily support person–holy crap she is awesome) and by Monday I often feel panicked and like she doesn’t like me any more. When she isn’t home on Mondays I feel like it is a deliberate statement that she is done with me. I try hard to not make this her problem.

But I got to talk to her yesterday and she was cheerful and upbeat and I detected no sign of her hating my guts so I felt relieved. And a friend came over to help me garden. She sent me an email a while ago asking if she could come over. It was lovely.

I like having people come over because then I can ask them lots of questions about their lives. This person is different from a lot of people I know so asking her questions gives me different answers than I am used to. I really appreciate the perspective shift.

For one thing, she likes her parents. When I hear about people liking their parents I feel an explosion of emotion in my heart. I miss my mom. I hope that my kids want a relationship with me some day. I feel so scared that I won’t deserve it.

I listen very carefully when people describe parents they like. That is what worthy people behave like–ok. I can fake that. Maybe? I’m trying.

And six hours of writing followed by four hours of gardening makes me feel like a person who WORKS! It’s good for my self esteem. Gardening usually makes me feel better about myself. It helps that my yard has improved so much over the years.

I believe that if I had a lawn I would consider gardening to be torture and horrible. What I am doing is fun. I’m making my environment prettier and more enticing by the year. I have a great yard for playing in even though it isn’t very big.

Noah has been kind of extra-nice for a bit. I officially took him off-leash. He is starting on a project months early because I can’t deal with trying to force him to be unproductive. It makes us both miserable. So now that he feels free to spend a lot of his brain cycles on things he wants to build and make he is a lot happier.

I didn’t get till September. But it’s ok. Calli isn’t as hard as Shanna was at this age. I will manage.

I feel disappointed and like I am caving on boundaries. I feel ok and like I am adapting to life as it actually happens instead of sticking to decisions that were made when we didn’t understand the parameters of what we were deciding.

I’m having fun writing about my Owner but it will be slow. This book may take the rest of the year. I’m writing a few hundred to a thousand words a day on it. That’s my goal. I’m also starting to babble in a notebook about suicide. Two separate books at the same time because I am feeling so unable to only think about one at a time. I go back and forth between phrasing in my head for both books.

I can’t separate self-mutilation and suicidal ideation from my M/s relationship but I can’t write about them in the same book. They are different stories. Two at once seems reasonable as a solution.

Today is supposed to be 8 degrees cooler than yesterday and by Friday it will be another 9 degrees cooler than today. I play to sharpen pencils and work on the fence for the next three days for at least two hours a day, maybe longer because Noah will be home.

I forgot to mention yoga yesterday as one of the things I should be scheduling every day. Ugh. I really should make schedules and see how they overlap.

I feel resentful of having too many daily tasks. Then I start bailing on everything.

Life will just have to keep plugging along. I wrote on the book for a while. I blogged. I wrote emails. My kid woke up. (Yay for morning snuggles.)

I really should get dressed and go run.