What is community any way? Are they the people you see when you randomly show up somewhere? Do they spend time with you? How much time is needed before you qualify as “community”? I’m not sure.

I think there are allowed to be weird solitary people who are not the linchpin but they still matter.

Look on the bright side. Even if I don’t feel loved it is not anyone’s fault (I’m certainly not saying that I’m not loved–just that I don’t feel it). It is a broken switch. I know that people act in ways that demonstrate affection. I try to ignore the switch.

I think that part of the reason that my writing has been hostile lately is I feel scared all the time. I am about to get in trouble. I am trying to defend myself. But no one is attacking me.

I am sick, so we didn’t go hang out with the home schoolers today. My fever broke around dinner time so I’m not going to the park tomorrow. You should be clear for 24 hours before you go in public. (It is polite!)

Instead I did house work and yard work. I tried to not work too hard or too fast. But I transplanted the pumpkins, (maybe they will forking grow now) and added lettuce and flower seeds. I took out all the dead corn stalks. I weeded. I folded laundry (three loads!). I cleaned the kitchen and destroyed it again. I finished sorting through my neighbors hand-me-downs and got them put away.

I chose having two parties for Calli because she said she couldn’t handle having very many kids over at once and I figure divide up the people who will only go on the weekends with the people who will only go during the week. That way the crowd never gets too loud. She’s sensitive.

I’m feeling stupid for it. I picked the weekend before her birthday because I didn’t want Labor Day weekend (this will be a thing forever) but that means… oh man. Just stuff. I kind of wish I had bumped it back. Oh well. 🙂 It will all work out. Somehow. Like magic. Noah will be outside working this weekend even though that is Not His Thing.

The blackberry bramble is dealt with. Tomorrow I will deal with transplanting the broccoli and watermelon. I need to clear out the 4 o’clocks. I need to go pick up those damn stumps from my neighbor’s yard. I don’t even know where I should put them yet. Decisions, decisions, decisions. Probably back yard. I shouldn’t tempt all the random neighbor kids to crack their skulls. You should have to know us before you get that invitation. I also mailed the invitations for the second birthday party.

Finish party planning. What to eat or drink. Make scavenger’s/treasure hunt. I won’t be able to do that till I get the yard more settled because I will have to figure out where to put the clues and such.

I have only three more weeks of English teaching. Only two more weeks of swimming. 47 days till a time traveling camping wedding. 53 days till the home school camping trip. If I don’t get sick again.

I’m trying to make my schedule look less crowded. I’m tired. I need a slower pace. I need to not feel bad about that. I’ll be nicer.