I wish that my successes outweighed my failures in my mind. They don’t. If I say something stupid early in the day I don’t ever stop thinking about how stupid I am. I shouldn’t have done that. I didn’t really mean that how it came out. I was distracted and not really concentrating on the conversation so I did it wrong.

Then I spend the rest of the day wishing I could be in my room crying. When everyone leaves I go ahead and do that for hours.

I don’t think that other people make their choices because they are trying to hurt me. I think they are making their choices based on what is best for them. I have a hard time not paying attention to the fact that what is best for them hurts me. I write about it. I try not to talk about it. I know it is my problem and not anyone else’s.

Maybe I am not good enough at this relationship thing to keep trying. I’m not sure what right behavior even would be. Whatever it is I’m apparently not doing it.

I haven’t been able to turn my anxiety down in a while. The higher my ambient anxiety is the less I am able to actually be reacting to what is happening to me today. I am not really part of “today”. I’m just part of the ongoing story of what a stupid piece of shit Krissy is. It’s a long story. It goes on and on. I don’t know how to get out of it. I don’t know how to stop doing everything wrong.

I’m not doing “everything” wrong. But it feels like I do more wrong than right.