I asked a friend, “Do you think my kids are sheltered” and she kind of snorted a little and said, “No.”
*blink*
My kids have had a very carefully crafted and shaped introduction to the world. Nothing happens to them by accident other than having adults stop showing up. Ok, I yell/scream more than I should but I’m fairly aware that in the larger scheme of things… I’m really not that scary of a parent. I’ve seen the spectrum. We are far on the gentle end. I have non-gentle moments that scare some of the truly gentle people, but the scary people know I don’t rate.
My kids have heard the word sex a fair number of times. It comes up in books like It’s So Amazing! about becoming a big sister and all. We watch nature documentaries and the BBC is obsessed with showing what it might have looked like for prehistoric animals to mate. And they get even more excited when it isn’t “animal style”: “This is the first species that mated face to face…. oooooh.”
So my kids understand that sex/mating is how you get babies. They understand that having sex when you are too small can seriously harm your body and they have been told that there are jerks in the world who don’t care how they hurt people. You need to tell people not to touch any of your genitals until you are grown and ready to handle that.
That is what they know about sex. I’m not entirely sure they understand that a penis goes in a vagina. I’m not sure that is uhhh part of their consciousness. But mating = babies is well established for Shanna; Calli seems to be able to understand as well because she sees animals humping and she says, “Babies!”
Are they sheltered? They’ve never seen humans have sex (err, unless you count pre-homo sapiens on BBC documentaries…) and I don’t discuss my sex life.
I talk to my kids about general health and how for every activity you engage in there is potential risk. When you touch other humans there are a wide variety of illnesses or diseases that can be past around. That’s why we wash our hands a lot. Mostly you would just pass colds or flus but there are other diseases to worry about.
Calli has gotten a cold sore. (We share cups and I have herpes. I’m struggling with my guilt.) We talk about herpes. We talk about what having a virus permanently in your body means. We talk about how things like herpes can live on other parts of your body (I didn’t actually mention genitals… yet) so once you have it you have to be a bit more careful with your mouth.
I’m talking more and more about personal space bubbles in general. How do we act appropriately towards other peoples’ bodies. I’ve been talking about hitting stuff since they were a few months old (I had no expectation it would stick).
Apparently for other people “being sheltered” means “being ignorant”. To me that seems very dangerous and counter productive. Do you want your kids to be able to keep themselves safe or not? Unless you plan to follow them for the rest of their lives and control everything they do… uhm… I can’t see how ignorance is a good plan.
It isn’t about “bad things could happen”. It is more about having the ability to understand that decisions happen in a larger context. I understand that my kids are pre-rational and they are literally not capable of considering these things on their own at this point. I don’t expect them to do so. Instead, I shelter them and I share my inside voice so they can hear what decision making processes look like.
I watch my kids intensely when we are around other people. I stare less when we are at home. That’s on purpose. I want my kids to be able to exist without requiring attention 24/7. That takes practice. I say, “Right now you need to meet your own needs because I am not able to do what you want.”
I believe with all my heart and soul that it will be my fault if my children reach adulthood unprepared for the things that they will find. Sex, drugs, education, finding a job, making money–these are all things that I believe I have to prepare them for doing.
My approach to sex education largely revolves around the idea that sex is an awesome activity that pretty much all humans are interested in to at least some degree (I have explicitly stated a few times “Sometimes some people are never interested in sex and that is ok too.”) and unfortunately there is a lot to know before you can make safe choices. You have to know how to keep your body and your heart safe. Then go have fun.
I’m not getting into nitty gritty. I don’t intend to talk to my kids about oral or anal sex in the next decade or so. Eventually I will probably say something to the effect of “Sex counts no matter which part of your body it involves–your vagina is not the be-all-end-all” and then I don’t think I will say much more. I don’t want to get into it with my kids. That feels like my line. And I’m not bringing those things up pre-puberty. Pre-puberty all I need to talk about is “sex makes babies so if you aren’t ready to devote your life to another human being you aren’t ready for sex. And when you are too small you can cause permanent physical damage–just wait till your body is ready.”
I do not believe that keeping children in ignorance prepares them for the world. I think it is extremely dangerous. I think that ignorance leads to the inability to keep yourself safe. I’ve seen that a lot.
Most of the people I know who have been the most extreme victims of abuse and rape were very ignorant. They had no ability to detect signs that danger was coming.
That will not be happening to my children.
There will not be any chance on this whole fucking planet for people to groom my unknowing children. Just no. I will g-d damn shelter them while that is appropriate and I will consciously teach them what to look for after that.
I cannot behave any other way in good conscious. I don’t believe we live in an easy or safe world. I believe the world isn’t much more dangerous than it used to be–I think the dangers are shifting more than becoming greater or smaller.
I also know a lot of people who were taught how to be safe. Their parents didn’t use my techniques (totally cool and all–I am not using the One True Way) but they did teach them enough.
If I knew what that enough was I might do that instead of my path but I don’t. I think that part of that path is having parents who instinctively keep themselves safe and they unconsciously pass on those instincts/preferences. I lack the instincts. I have to do all of this consciously. So that’s all I can teach.
I think that what I’m trying to do is pass on as few taboos as I can. There are a few taboos I pass on whole-heartedly (incest, animals, adult/child sex) and beyond that I’m trying to avoid telling my kids that people are bad for being into whatever they are into. I spend a lot of time saying, “It’s not my thing but it’s cool that other people like it.” That applies to food, music, clothes, movies, and eventually… sex. People are allowed to like what they like.
People arrive at wherever they get to because of a complex mix of physiological, psychological, and environmental factors. Who the fuck am I to judge what their life created?
I’m no one. That’s who.
I get to judge for me. I get to shelter my kids for a little while. I get to carefully present the world to them for a few years because I am blessed with enormous privilege. I am able to keep my kids safe. That is not a privilege that everyone has.
It is interesting when I run across the idea that being sheltered means being ignorant. That makes me shiver with fear. Oh god oh god oh god.
It isn’t just that “bad things could happen”. It is “you will not be equipped to make decisions you will have to make.” Everyone has to make mistakes. Everyone has to try things out that aren’t going to work. I’m not trying to prevent my kids from ever having a bad experience–that’s not my goal. I couldn’t and wouldn’t strive for that as a life experience.
If what I am doing works (cross your fingers) then my children will be able to pick their risks with their eyes wide open. I don’t know which risks they should take. They will have to take risks. I don’t want them taking stupid risks out of ignorance. I want them taking smart risks out of deliberate decision making.
But it’s a process. They won’t be like that at 17 and I can’t feel like a failure. No one can at 17. Your brain isn’t there yet. I’ll have to keep my fucking mouth shut as they make a whole series of stupid mistakes.
My goal is that my children will not understand that they are working within a frame until they are adults and then they will probably at some point notice that other people lack the frame. Hopefully they will be glad it is just there for them.
That’s my goal. I don’t know if it will work or not. I have no crystal ball and sometimes that really pisses me off.
Yeah, sheltered often = ignorant, but it could be in any number of ways. The kid who is homeschooled and isolated who enters high school and has no framework for social interaction. The kid who never has to take responsibility for himself and as an adult blames everyone else for his own shortcomings. The kid whose parents do everything for him and as an afult he can’t feed himself, do his own laundry, etc. those are all various forms of sheltered.
I equate the word “sheltered” with “overprotected” and “ignorant” as well. I don’t think of your kids as “sheltered”. I think of them as “receiving developmentally-appropriate information to help them become happy, healthy, respectful, fully-functioning, socially-contributing adults”.
“If I knew what that enough was I might do that instead of my path but I don’t. I think that part of that path is having parents who instinctively keep themselves safe and they unconsciously pass on those instincts/preferences. I lack the instincts. I have to do all of this consciously. So that’s all I can teach.”
There is also the issue that, presented exactly the same information, in exactly the same way, at exactly the same point in their lives, no two people are going to process it the same way. Shanna and Callie are going to interpret the information you’re giving them differently, they’ll remember it differently, and they’ll apply it differently. The hope is that they’ll process and retain and use the message in the way you’re aiming for when the time comes.
Oh man. I’m aware that you can say the same thing to two people and they’ll take it differently. Oh man. 🙂
I’ll chime in and agree with WendyP that sheltered meant overprotected in this case. When you said “sheltered,” I thought you used it in the way I used it, slightly negative connotation. I do not think your kids are overprotected. Of course they are appropriately sheltered. Do I think that ignorant could have also been accurate? Sure, maybe. Your kids aren’t ignorant.
I don’t disagree with anything you’re saying here in the slightest. However, I feel the need to tweak the message when we’re talking about kids, teenagers, whom I am not primarily raising. Imagine that they reached the age of 14 without too much information. They got the bare minimum in school, and who knows what they got from their parents. Maybe good, or maybe the same thing I got. Let’s assume they are at the same place as the four adult women I surveyed from their same socio-economic-local-cultural demographic were at 14. Let’s assume they were successfully overprotected and safe til now. Let’s assume their parents successfully passed on safe instincts / preferences. Let’s assume that they aren’t anywhere close to sexual activities (unlike the stories I hear about America), the same way that my peers and I brought down the national curve.
I can’t lay all the information, even your appropriate-for-your-three-year-old-daughter information on them all at once. Well. I can, but will they receive the message? Will they be better informed? Will they hear what I say or will it make them squirm in embarrassment and mortify them? Who cares if they are embarrassed, as long as they get the info, right? But I want them to feel comfortable with me as their resource in the years to come, so I don’t want to scare them right off the bat. I’d be okay pushing this subject if I was their parent and could follow up consistently, but I’m not.
I know at 14, I would not have totally appreciated an embarrassing conversation with an adult I see a few times a year. Same with my tiny survey sample. I would have gotten over it, maybe, by age 25 ish. I don’t want that for them. I want them to be able to have access, during their high school and college years, have access to someone who grew up in a more similar-to-them environment than their parents did, who speaks their native language (English) and has their native culture (Silicon Valley AA kids).
So I want a gentle opening of this subject, just to introduce that I can be a resource if they want, along with more trusted info like Scarleteen, so that they can get good information without needing an embarrassing adult explain things if that’s how they feel or without just relying on their friends. Then I’ll take future cues from them. Maybe I’ll say more when they are older and are dating? Or when they’re in college? But for the first step I want to be as broad and gentle as I can.
I respect that you want to give your kids the information that you wish you had at their age. You’re talking to the potential you in your head. I want to give my nieces what I wish _I_ had at their age. I’m talking to a 14 year old me in my head.
And that makes sense.
More accurately: I support you doing what you think is right for your family regardless of my approach.