By which I mean that Noah returned to work and I returned to days alone with the kids. We’ve had a couple good days in a row. On Thursday I made the kids go for a mile run with me in the morning (we did laps around the elementary school parking lot across the street so that everyone could go at their own pace). Then there was a lot of playing with art stuff. I moved the coffee table into the living room after years of banishment to the garage and they are dramatically increasing their random art play.

Then a neighbor kid came over for a play date. Then she left. Later a different (much older) neighbor kid came over to babysit while I went out and exercised more. I ran/walked three miles then came home and got my bike and rode that for another five miles. The day in total covered about nine miles. (Yesterday I rested.)

I was in a much better mood after the exercise.

Friday we didn’t get up and do lots of exercise. I spent the day cleaning house, reading, and chit chatting. I didn’t do much playing with them. I talk to them about their games while they are playing but I don’t really do the imaginative games with them very often. I will be random “outside the game” funny commentary.

Both days involved the kids barely yelling. There was a singular argument where they had trouble resolving a toy sharing issue per day. “Try again” worked just fine.

“Try again” “Asked and Answered” “What do you think should happen here?” Those are my stock phrases these days to avoid fighting. Very helpful.

The tally marks for yelling is helping a lot. The kids really want to pick breakfast. Today I’m going to make breakfast and I think the kids are going to get to decide. No, they haven’t had a day completely free of screaming yet but they’ve managed several days in a row of just one brief exclamation of emotion. I can fudge a teeny bit. They are three and five. They are doing well for them. They are trying really hard.

I struggle with dividing my attention between Noah and the kids when he is home all day for a while. He wants me to be a very different kind of person than they do. It is hard to meet all of the expectations at once. The kids are so much easier to spend time with when I can focus on them.

And we get along better when I’ve caught up cleaning the house (I have–I’m pretty happy with myself) so that it only takes the kids 5-15 minutes to clean up their stuff before they can move on to another big, messy activity. If there is one hard to clean project out at a time I’m usually nice enough to help clean up. If there are six I’m kind of an asshole. “No. I told you to clean it up as you went because that makes it easy. You ignored me so you get to untangle this. I’m reading.”

When we go through toys for donations I usually put them in the back of the van and drive them around for a month or so before I get to the donation center. I’m glad for this policy because sometimes the kids decide to get rid of stuff they aren’t really done with. I thought Calli was kind of crazy for wanting to get rid of the My Little Pony characters. Given that the only fighting we have done in the last two days has been over Shanna’s MLP we are getting the others out of the donation bag. I think that even if Calli has decided that Rainbow Dash is a butthead (Calli is very judgmental about how RD acted in a particular episode and she’s carrying a big grudge) she needs to keep the doll. She needs to have more than one that is hers so she doesn’t steal Shanna’s. Ok fine, Rarity is better. I hear you. You asked for Rainbow Dash so don’t steal your sister’s.

Sometimes I feel kind of baffled that this is what I really really want from life.

Shanna and I have been spending a lot of time talking about how much it sucks to try to learn self control. I agree that it is sucky to try and learn. I agree up one side and down the other. We still have to do it. I love you, baby. You can do it even though it is hard. It may take a while and anyone who expects you to be perfect at five is a big jerk and you don’t need to listen to them. By the time you are twenty I won’t be very patient with these things though. Just so you know.

Unconditional love and very conditional approval. “I will get mad sometimes about your behavior. You get to decide how you feel about that. Sometimes you will care and sometimes you won’t. Sometimes it is a good idea to ignore me and sometimes that’s a really bad idea. You won’t learn which is which until you try and you don’t like the results.”

Since I stopped tracking the books I was reading I’ve kind of exploded in reading. I think I’ve read twelve books. Only a few were blessed rereads. These Tamora Pierce books are popcorn. They are fun and really sweet. I’m looking forward to when my kids can read them. I’m going to have to buy my own copies because my friend wants her copies back for her own daughter. Sheesh. How unreasonable. (That’s my “kidding” voice.)

I haven’t read the new Dorothy Allison book yet. I may read that before I start the Immortals 4-some. I’ve been alternating between books I borrowed from K, books I borrowed from L, and really depressing psychology books. Well, suicide stuff. Is it depressing? I’m not sure. I’m looking for hope.

There has to be a way to get my brain to stop telling me I’m a worthless whore other than being stoned all the time. I’m the first one to admit that pot stops most of the repetitive negative thinking. Not 100% of it but I think it cuts out at least 80%. That is probably the most striking difference. (I medicated some for the past two days compared to having a week off. I didn’t medicate “fully” but I had a little. Fully medicating is 4-5 pills in a day. I’ve been having one.)

And I even managed to hit quota in December. I think it had been almost six months since I hit quota. When I get around to writing about sex being problematic then Noah feels the need to up his game. To both of our benefit. I think I’ll keep writing about it. I know that back in the old days when I was having sex with different people just about every day of the week I didn’t need a lot of foreplay. I agree that those were wonderful days. These days I don’t spend much time thinking about sex and I need more transition time and attention. Life is annoying like that. If you want to fuck me for the next fifty years you may have to change what you do over time. I am not that sprightly 23 year old just out of a sexless relationship where I felt teased but not satisfied all the time anymore.

Next month, February, marks the ten year mark since I met Noah. Time flies when you are having fun.

Today Noah is home and our routine is “disrupted” again. It’ll be ok. Maybe we will visit a martial arts studio near our home today. I’ll look at schedules. I want us, as a family, to go watch all of the studios within 4 miles of our house over the next few weeks. Then we can discuss which style looks best for us. By the end of this month I think we need to be enrolled.

Just keep swimming, right? (Swim lessons restart on Wednesday.) Park days don’t restart for another week because the home school group has a neat activity in Berkeley next week and I’m lame and won’t drive north for activities twice a week. Don’t have the spoons.

No plans for this weekend. It seem smart.