The home school group is going to Cirque. We bought tickets. Without checking dates I also scheduled going to a grief ritual. They overlap. Also that weekend I have a massage scheduled.

It is not physically possible to do all of these things. I can do Cirque and the massage or the grief ritual. The grief ritual is all day and in San Francisco.

I have about two days to decide what I’m doing and get a refund on the grief ritual. Or I could decide I’m doing the grief ritual and find someone to take my Cirque ticket and help Noah with the kids.

This decision has left me crying for hours. I don’t like feeling left out of family outings. That ties into all of my “I’m not welcome to be part of a family” stuff. I also spend a large portion of my life crying and trying not to cry because I know it isn’t “appropriate.” The grief ritual is pretty much the only place I have ever really been allowed to cry in front of people the way I need to cry.

I’m feeling really upset with myself for this decision. I feel like I have only lose here.