I think I’m up to a solid four hours of crying so far today. I cried for hours before we went to the home school event. Then I dropped the kids at the Ikea daycare for a while so I could cry more. Then I cried the whole way home.

I feel like a worthless piece of shit. The whole drive home I cycled through various ways of dying.

But I keep coming round to the fact that Noah really couldn’t handle the kids alone. And no one else wants them. (Ok Jenny–not true. You want them. But you live in another country and the US government wouldn’t let you have them.) Just like no one wants me.

I feel so guilty for having kids. Someone like me had no business doing so. I do not have a family to give them. I don’t have a place in the world to offer. I am nothing.