I’ve had a lot of time over the last few days to think about my husband and our relationship. Before we had kids I sat down and read a bunch of stuff about divorce and custody and I forced him through some terrible conversations. I was very blunt about what each of us would have to do in order to be reasonable co-parents because it really doesn’t fucking matter how the grown ups feel, you have to show up for your kids. We made some firm agreements about behavior.

I feel grateful that I am married to someone who doesn’t have a lot of intense emotions. I’m enough crazy for this house. It makes it a lot more likely that I can predict his behavior. On the flip side I’m glad he puts up with my frequent hysteria and over reactions. I’m aware that I over react to most things, at least as first. Noah says it isn’t too bad to put up with because I state “I’m over reacting–give me a bit to calm down” and then I can react in a more rational way; I just need to be given space for my explosion of emotion.

I feel so grateful that I get to have this experience.

Noah tolerates my explosions of emotion the way I tolerate them from my little kids. “Wow. You are having some feelings. What actions do you think could solve this? Want to wait a bit till you are done with the feelings? Ok. I’ll just sit here. If you want a hug I’ve got some to spare.”

It’s a whole reparenting situation. I am so grateful.

I think that the reason things go as well with Noah as they do is because neither of us expect to do 50% of anything. We both expect that we’ll get dumped with way the fuck more than our share of whatever and we are grateful when it doesn’t happen. The secret to happiness is low expectations. This is what my husband tells me.

Sometimes, for many days in a row, my husband wakes up and makes breakfast then goes to work. Then he comes home and cleans up from breakfast and lunch and then he makes dinner. Then he cleans up the clutter in the living room. Then he reads to the kids and brushes their teeth and puts them to bed. Because sometimes I just flat need him to do that. Some days I look pretty fucking useless. But I didn’t yell at the kids! That was my goal for the day!

He’s ok with that being the only goal I hit in a day. Even if it does mean he gets shafted with a whole bunch of extra work. I’m grateful that he believes in the same priority list I believe in.

But on the flip side, when I’m on he won’t have to clean or do any night time cooking for weeks and rarely even a month in a row. Sometimes he can go many weeks in a row only hanging out with the kids at home without doing any chores. I try to take breaks from draining projects so I can make his life easier sometimes too.

Balance is important. I try to watch how fried he is getting. If he is more and more tired and worn out looking I try to up my game for a bit. Sometimes I’m even nice enough to cook him breakfast. He’s usually pretty grateful and sweet.

Every day at breakfast and dinner the non-cooking parent effusively thanks the cooking parent. That is just something I think should be modeled every single day. Every day the non-cleaning parent comments on how nice the house looks and thanks the cleaning parent. Doesn’t matter who cleans, they get thanked.

Every night at dinner we talk about our favorite part of the day. We share what happened and who we saw and the gist of what we talked about. I read that the most “successful and happy” families know a lot about one another. I’m starting to ask more often about peoples least favorite parts of the day. That matters too.

I feel so grateful that I found a partner who is on board for the wacky unschooling journey. I feel so grateful that I found a partner who will cheerfully send me off on long trips without him. He doesn’t have that need to wander that I have. (At this stage I have grown to understand that I can’t use gypsy ever again because it is a racial name, but I have never heard a better name for my inability to sit in one place forever. I have to move. I have to see new things and meet new people. Any better words? Anyone?)

I grew up moving all the time. I’m grateful that Noah is happy to go off and earn boatloads of money so I can afford the travel I want to do. Talk about privilege and luxury. I’m grateful that Noah gave me a place to put down roots but he doesn’t want to take away my wings.

Noah doesn’t want ALL of my attention (I think he would drown or go mad) and he’s pretty happy to send me off into the world so I can come back with cool stories. Ok, so they won’t be sex stories anymore… that’s ok!

Mostly I’m grateful I found someone with the same attitudes about child rearing as I have. Or rather, someone who is happy to listen to me go on and on and on and on and on about the research I read and mostly agree to the things I put forth.

We are a non-hitting household. If you want children to learn to manage their emotions you have to model it and not scream at them to stop screaming. Attachment formation and relationship building are mandatory things to do even when you aren’t in the fucking mood. You say goodbye and give hugs and kisses to everyone who wants them EVERY time you leave the house. You have no idea when you will be hit by a bus and we are not parting this life on bad terms. No matter how mad I may be. (I’m the one who would stomp out in my family.)

I feel grateful that my mistakes are responded to with patience and kindness and love. I make a lot of mistakes. Big mistakes. Huge mistakes. Sometimes mean mistakes. I am forgiven for the first and only time in my life. No one else has ever been able to really consistently forgive me for my mistakes.

I am so grateful.

I feel grateful that I have a partner who will call me on my shitty behavior and ask me to do better because he believes I am capable. He knows it is a slip and not a lack of caring or lack of desire to be good/kind.