The best things in life are free.

Noah and I were talking about my feeling that I don’t contribute enough. He disagrees, of course. He was fine with rattling off all the things I do to “contribute”. Yes my dear Mrs. Lincoln but how was the play?

If I can make our investments grow by even 5% a year I will eventually outpace Noah at earning money. Even though I feel he is so much “smarter” than me. I think he is more marketable. He has a much better memory. My memory comes and goes and surprises me. I can’t just memorize long blocks of text the way he does.

I know things he doesn’t, though. Things that do have value in the world even if they do not directly translate into me receiving a salary.

I should pay more attention to the investments because a)I have time b)I have motivation and c)having access to this kind of money is a gift, luxury, and privilege. With great privilege comes great responsibility.

The thing is, there is this balance I’m dealing with. The earlier I put money into investing the faster it will grow and the larger it will get. I could significantly out earn the benefit I get from over paying my mortgage. But having the house paid off is such a psychological thing for me that.. No. I’m not going to reduce my mortgage so I can “play” with investing faster. That’s not for me.

But I keep seeing the phrase “Even $100 a month can multiply to…”. I’m investing more than $100/month. Maxing out Noah’s 401k, maxing out an IRA in my name, $100/month to Shanna’s 529 and $350 to Calli’s account, and now $100 into a brokerage account that I’m picking. Gulp. We’ll see, right?

It is hard having this series of revelations, is that what being an adult means? You realize in layers oh shit–I’m also responsible for this other stuff that I never even knew existed.

I think that the plants help. Responsibility is seeming different now that I perceive it in terms of other living things will die if I don’t pay attention. It changes the perspective. My cat is also much more loving now that I take better care of her. Now that I am less neglectful.

I don’t think my self worth should come from what I do. But I believe that a lot of my life long safety will depend on my ability to create that safety for myself. I don’t have a fall back. I have the security that Noah and I build together.

It is no better or worse than anyone else has in the end. Families have problems. “Support” comes and goes. Your parents die. Medical problems come up.

What does taking care of yourself mean? What does providing for the future mean? Holy shit. How am I going to make sure I have a place to hang out when I’m old and not up for doing a lot of work? How will I eat?

Will I get old? Will I get cancer? Will I kill myself?

I’d really like to see what this house will look like when I’m sixty. It’s a deeply selfish wish. I have to not die even if I have no use to anyone else if I want to see it.

I noticed yesterday that I haven’t made progress on any of the suicide books since I was last experiencing ideation. It’s been a nice break.

I want to relate the change to being more fully medicated but that isn’t it. I have periods where I am suicidal even with medicating. The cycles are different. I think obsessing about money is a better distraction from feeling suicidal than most other tactics I’ve tried.

Tommy’s birthday didn’t trigger me this year. It was a decent day. I kind of talked to him all day long. I told him about my kids. I felt a little sad but ok.

Sissy’s birthday in January was harder but I still didn’t feel worthless.

This is such a deep puddle. Splash splash. Go eat breakfast.

5 thoughts on “The best things in life are free.

  1. Bailey

    I’m a big believer in paying off the mortgage. Once that is done: you will have significantly lowered your cost of living. Since I have to do that to retire, I’m motivated.

    If something happens to prevent you from making the payments, you could begin to sell off your investments but it may be a very bad time to do that if the market is on a down swing.

    Another school of thought believes tying up all your equity in a non-liquid asset isn’t wise. In that case I would counter with: rental property. I don’t have to live here forever, but I believe it would benefit me to get rid of the debt.

    Reply
    1. From Debs

      Sorry, would you mind elaborating on your last paragraph? Do you mean you should remain in rental property rather than buy a house, and use what you’d pay in home ownership in liquid assets? Or do you mean, invest in rental properties? and how does that get rid of a debt? Thanks!

      Reply
      1. Krissy Gibbs Post author

        I think she means own rental property not rent from someone else. It’s not a good idea to have all of your long term net worth in real estate. If you need cash you are screwed. If the house is paid off and someone else is paying you to live in it, that’s kind of the extra good part of ownership.

        If you rent out a piece of property and it is paying its own mortgage then it evens out the debt load. Usually you charge more in rent than you have on the mortgage. Then you get to write off the mortgage interest and make a profit every month as someone else pays for your investment. It’s not a bad system. That’s how my Dad is keeping afloat.

        Reply
      2. Bailey

        Krissy explained it, but I’ll elaborate: If I pay off the house and I get an opportunity elsewhere it may be difficult to sell the house, so it wobe considered a non-liquid asset. I’d counter with: move and rent out the house – you don’t have to sell it. If it’s paid for, you can generate significant income. If it’s not paid for but is cash positive, someone else is essentially paying your mortgage for you. If it’s cash negative, but the amount is low, it may well be worth the short term loss to move toward the previous two scenarios.

        I own a rental house and for several years I was about $100 short each month. I could cover that easily. After a refinance to a lower interest rate and a rise in rents, I’m now paying extra on the mortgage each month and I’m $50 cash positive.

        At the point I can get both houses paid for, I’ll have a much lower cost of living and an income stream from the other house.

        I hope to retire at some point with the income from the 2nd house and a part-time job (I like being around people).

        Reply
    2. Krissy Gibbs Post author

      Most of my friends are opposed to the idea of lowering your cost of living. I have friends who recommend that awful mortgage where you pay less at first and then your payments go up over time as you hopefully make more money. That scares the pants off me. “But you will make more money as you get older!” Good. Then I’ll have more money to save. Until it goes away. Because nothing lasts forever. I will not be paying a mortgage in my 60’s. No way in hell. I don’t care enough about the tax write off on the interest.

      I like the idea of a permanent home base. I don’t have to be in this house every single day forever but it will sit here and give me someplace to go when I need that. 🙂

      Also: less than half of our equity will be in a non-liquid asset. The percentage will go down over time. I feel comfortable with that. 🙂

      Reply

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