I’m pretty agitated today. Clearly a large amount of this is self-created. I don’t know how much of it is other-created or if I’m just creating this whirlwind.

I’m upset about a lot of things that have no solution. And I’m feeling angry and reactive and like I want to blow up at everyone in the whole world.

I’m struggling with being patient as I explain my point of view on any topic. I just want to yell. I feel so angry.

I’m having a lot of black and white thinking. You are for me or against me. The reality is that people are for themselves. I can’t expect people to take a side with me if it works against their interests. They just won’t do it.

I want to hide under a rock and never talk to anyone again. I want to go find someone to talk to. Someone who will be patient as I babble out my anger and frustration but I am yelling too much if adult-subject-matter comes up.

I’m still doing ok with the kids. My overwhelm today hasn’t lead to screaming or yelling I just started crying. I don’t feel “better” about that than I do yelling. It freaked the kids out and then all of a sudden they started doing their chores without yelling at me about how unreasonable I am. It feels manipulative and awful. I suppose it is.

I am not trying to manipulate. I’m trying to ask for help and when you yell no after I’ve spent an hour doing things for you, sometimes I cry. I’m not trying to get you to do anything. I’m happy to leave the room and take my disappointment out of your eyeshot. It isn’t your problem I’m overloaded and sad and having big feelings.

Just shut your stupid fucking mouth you stupid bitch.

I want to cut. This is what my therapist calls “extreme abreaction”. I’m not really getting upset because my kids don’t want to unload the dishwasher. I’m getting upset because it feels like the men in my life think that it is way more important they be protected from a possible false rape charge than that people talk about their behavior in a way they don’t like. In a way that might help the detection of serial predators. Naw. We shouldn’t talk about shit. Just shut up you stupid whiny bitch.

If it was a real rape you would have gone to the police.

Sometimes I did. They told me that they weren’t going to ruin that nice boy for me.

By the time you are 40 it doesn’t matter that much how you were raised. You are who your genes say you should be. I’m told.

I’m scared of what my genes say I should be.

I’m an asshole. I don’t deny that. The current systems in place are not doing a god damn thing to stop rapists. So something needs to change. And yeah, that probably means that the hurt is going to move around. Given that 98% of rapists are men that probably means that there will be more suspicious gaze at men.

But instead of treating all men as blanket, proto-rapists what is wrong with instead keeping track of the incidents as they come up?

We can’t go to the police. We will be told to shut up so they can put the statistic in that we “rape victims” are really just liars and attention getting whores who had second thoughts.

But if we talk about our experiences we will be slandering those poor men.

I’m not advocating that every done-me-wrong should be treated like a rape.

I’m fine with both sides being heard. Right now we aren’t getting both sides heard. We are getting, “Is there enough evidence to prove physically that this was rape? If not then shut the fuck up you probably enjoyed it.”

The hacker who helped the Stubenville rape victim is doing more jail time than the rapists. That is what we think about the victims side of the story in this country.

Besides–in making sure that no community board has a centralized list to ensure that people are only being black listed after multiple infractions of a serious enough nature you have places individually black listing people based on the opinions of one or two friends who has a problem with the individual.

So you get the negative you are afraid of anyway and I don’t get to have any of the positive that I want. Thanks.

I feel both exhausted and so full of adrenaline I could run straight up a mountain. I want to pick a fight. I guess it’s a good thing I won’t let myself do that with my kids and I’m alone with them till bedtime. Enforced civility.

I’m not willing to force the civil for other people to the same degree. I often can’t when I feel threatened. My kids are inherently non-threatening. At all times I am overwhelmingly aware that I have all the power and they have very little or none. It is different with my kids than with other peoples kids. Other peoples kids feel overwhelming and threatening sometimes. Not like an “actual threat” but I activate on a biological level in a very different way than I do with my kids.

My kids are me-not-me. At all times I have this really conscious frame that this is the only chance I have to see a childhood where children are well treated every day of their childhood. It is up to me to produce it or not. Sometimes I’m less present in the room than they like because it is too high of a bar. But I’m around. They talk to me many times an hour.

Calm down Krissy. Stop calling yourself stupid. All of these feelings have nothing to do with your intelligence. Yes, you have been testy with your friends lately. That doesn’t make you the biggest bitch on the planet. When you check in with them they are not having a big problem with you. Yes, you are snapping–which they aren’t thrilled about–but all of them have specifically said that you aren’t being as inappropriate as you think you are. You aren’t as bad as you think you are.

But I’m bad. I’m really mean and hateful. You just don’t know how much because I don’t usually say it. Noah says it doesn’t count as mean or hateful if I just think it. I think he must be wrong. Surely I deserve to be flogged for all the yelling at my friends I do when they are not around. Usually when no one is around. I yell at them when I’m out running. I say all the mean things I think.

WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT!!!??!?!?!? STOP IT!!!! Variations on that theme. Usually culminating with something along the lines of, “ARE YOU INSANE? HOW CAN YOU POSSIBLY THINK THAT. YOU CLEARLY NEED TO BE WHACKED IN THE HEAD WITH A LARGE TROUT.” (Trout was an IRC thing.)

I feel like I’m drowning in unmet needs. But I don’t know what the needs are and I don’t know how to fill them. I’m anxious and scared and angry. I feel like everything is all my fault even when it has nothing to do with me.

I need to figure out where I need boundaries right now that I don’t have them. I don’t want to hit the eject button in order to deal with my distress. I really don’t want to. I also don’t want to be yelling at all of my friends because I cycle higher and higher week after week getting mad at someone.

How to have boundaries. It’s an issue. The kids say I have to come in.