Not one of my more productive weeks ever. Mostly I’m resting and feeling like my brain won’t operate at full speed. I feel existentially exhausted and frustrated and like I can’t do anything right.

I want to buy things. I want to go out and spend money as entertainment. I want to eat out every single meal because cooking makes me feel stabby.

I want to see people and I want to hide under a rock. The dichotomy of my life.

I choose to blame bleeding for this week being a flip out zone. I’m really grateful I can mostly cancel everything and stay home on weeks when I’m bleeding and I think EVERYONE HATES ME SO I MIGHT AS WELL BE THE CUNT OF THE YEAR! WHEEEEEEEE Ahem.

I haven’t flipped out. I just have a lot of really big feelings. Calm down. Everything is fine because you have the luxury and privilege to just be quiet when this happens.

I am so lucky. I appreciate my life. I appreciate that I can spend hours quietly cuddling and no one requires me to get up and work on something they care about.

I’m grateful for my life. I’m glad I get to be doing what I’m doing. I am enjoying it.

My kids are testing boundaries. And that’s life. I can cope. I just can’t seem to handle reading any books. Meh. My brain is full. I’m tired. I’m anxious. I want…. something. It’s not sugar. I tried that. It’s not protein. I tried that. It’s not vegetables.

Although I’m starting to think that tomatoes might be a part of my problem. I had a tomato based dinner with some wine (not a lot) and I was up in the bathroom all night with a burning cleansing. My body hates me. I have had more alcohol than that without a problem in the past but sometimes alcohol gives me trouble. Oh man.

I’m starting to think I should just give up alcohol. It’s not my friend. But it tastes good. Is this alcoholism? “But but… like twice a month I want a glass of wine… sometimes it irritates my digestive system and sometimes not. CLEARLY I HAVE AN UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIP WITH ALCOHOL.” Or something.

I want there to be something big and catastrophic wrong with me so I can be more than just a petty whiner.

Or for nothing to be wrong with me. Either way would be fine.