This article here nicely illustrates why I think my “career” after kids will be in incest research. Eventually I think I will do a lot of international travel to gain as wide of a perspective as possible.

Sometimes I feel scared. It feels like the last stage evolution in my self harm. Ok, if I am not allowed to cut or drink or do drugs or have sex with everyone, fine I will just go take on all the pain of all the incest in the world.

Can I contain that much pain?

I want to understand incest in a way no person currently living does. I’ve read the books. The scholarly ones. The hard ones. The ones by the “experts”. They don’t know enough. No one understands this phenomena, this tradition, this taboo. I want to.

The only thing I can do to help “people like me” is find out all there is to find out and then make that knowledge available. If people understood what they were seeing happen in the people around them better then kids in incestuous families could get help.

Yes, I know there are currently “national networks” who are trying to be resources. They are pretty ineffective. Working under their umbrella would hamper my ability to do what I want.

It’s not fair but I have financial support. I can go do whatever the fuck I want with my time and still have a home to come back to. That’s a privilege. It means I don’t have to conform. It may not be fair, but it’s fucking life.

I want this knowledge. I want to find out how other people deal with this. Do they get past it? Do we think about it until we die? Will I interview people in their 90’s and listen to them cry about things that happened 80+ years ago?

Can I hold that kind of pain?

Would it make their life better to tell the story? Yeah. Probably.

Well, I guess I’ll find out how it goes.

It’s a scary next-stage-career to plan for but I like challenges. Thank goodness I have fourteen more years to plan.

Home schooling is a hard enough job. Holy toledo.

Ok I’m going to put a name on it. I want to be known around the world as the leading expert on incest. Even though that sounds terrible and disgusting and like not something that anyone would want to be.

I do. I want to change peoples lives for the better on a large scale.

Only limiting myself to the topic of incest means it will always be a relatively small pond. *phew*

I like small ponds. Small ponds are awesome. The ocean is scary.

Some day I would like to teach police officers and teachers and doctors how to better serve the needs of this population. Yeah, it’s a weird sub group. But it crosses all barriers of race, class, ethnicity, gender, socio-economic level, religion and culture.

It happens. It happens every day. It has every day for all time. Is it a problem? Well…

I’m 32 and I spend a lot of time crying about it. Does that matter? Is it a problem? When I talk to other incest survivors their reactions range from crying to numbing themselves habitually to just… not remembering anything.

Does that matter? Is that a “problem”? Can it be solved? Does anyone care.

I do.

So when I have spare time I will look into it. Right now I’ve probably used up my forbearance of patience from the kids. Time to go in.