We started out this session talking about the last session. Wrapping up the things I was freaking out about such that I could not actually speak about them. It is hard to be able to talk about the freaking out while I am freaking out. Figuring out how to describe things is hard. If I say, “I’ve always done this” it sounds like I mean that I do it all the time and that’s not accurate. “I have had periods where I do this throughout my life” is a different thing. I freak out sometimes. Not all the time. We clarified things like why I over reacted when she said that I would need to go on medication (she doesn’t think of pot as being on medication–I disagree; strenuously) and money stuff. It was a lot easier to be clear about the dividing lines amongst things I was talking about last time. I was more coherent today.

Then we spent a fair bit of time talking about the micro-aggression stuff in the home school group. We came up with some language that would work for me. Then I went to the park and asked the organizer of the group about my language and she… well. She isn’t as pro-confrontation as I am. She likes people to get along. She told me I could say what I wanted but she looked… distressed.

I don’t really want to distress this person. I like her.

My options, as I perceive them:

• say nothing and tolerate someone taking pot shots at me.
• say nothing and leave the group.
• say something and potentially have it blow up in my face.
• say something and have it go well.

So once you get past the idea of say nothing or say something you have to deal with what to say. There are more and less confrontational things to say. I am the kind of person who would say, “I don’t really like being the butt of the joke. If this continues to happen I will have to make sure you no longer come to my house and I will stay away from you in public.”

I want to say that. But it’s all confrontational.

Well, I could just leave the group. That’s a nice and tidy way to ensure I am not confrontational. Because I’m not going to fucking keep my mouth shut any more. At this stage of my life… no. Fuck no. Fucking fucker no.

This is the “school” group I have been involved with the longest. I’m not sure how long it will last. That makes me sad.

I feel like I frequently end up in this boat. If I stand up for myself I will make people sad. If I don’t stand up for myself… I’m going to just leave.

At least I already know I wouldn’t be missed anyway.