My shrink thinks it is probably a good thing that I am creating space to stay home and be quiet and restful given how much my emotions are bouncing. I haven’t screamed or freaked out… I’m just acting more depressed. That’s good! The problem with parents like me, the mentally ill kind, is the changes and the fluctuations are a lot of the hard. Even just depression is easier to live with.

Better to be quiet and slow than anxious and screaming. If I am anxious enough that I am shaking, my teeth rattle, I alternate flushing with chills, and my stomach hurts like crazy… all before I go a little nutty and start shrieking about shit that don’t fucking matter.

Slow the fuck down. Clearly I am in over my head. Maybe it would be nice if I could do ALL THE THINGS but clearly I can’t. We all have limitations.

Most of my session today consisted of me going down lists of people in my life and telling her how things are going in that relationship. “Who is _____ again?” “How do you know _____?” “Wait, is this another new name? I’ve heard about this person before? I have? Oh man. Refresh my memory…. OH! I don’t remember the cruise ship but I remember that you like to share your boyfriends with her.”

Love you so much.

I am pulling standing invitation stuff from my calendar. I am having terrible mixed feelings about that but I cannot keep the schedule I have.

Some of the mixed feelings are stupid. I shouldn’t feel mixed. This isn’t a hard decision… only it is. Sometimes making decisions to see people less is terribly hard. I feel like a bitch. I feel like a big meanie. I feel like I am so hateful.

It’s not giving me what I need. And it uses a lot of energy even in proportion to the amount of time it takes. I spend days and days processing this.

I need a break.

I’m sorry. It isn’t your fault. I don’t need a break because you are bad. I just need a break. You take effort. You are worth it. I love you.

Sometimes that happens. I know you are worth the effort you require. I just don’t have it to give. I’m really sorry.

It is hard that relationships give or take very different amounts of energy. You can’t say “Mommy friends will give +2 support and take -3 patience and +2 validation.” It don’t work that way.

I don’t know if I am an introvert or an extrovert but I certainly require a lot of different kinds of relationships and a lot of alone time.

So my shrink and I did a lot of evaluating the relationships in my life. Yup, I talk about you mother fuckers. +2, -4/ + 6 -1/ +3 -2

I’m kidding. I don’t assign numbers in session. I’m just fucking with you right now. But we did go through evaluations of what I get from people. I try hard to see the specific value people offer. I think about it really hard. Frequently I stop and think really hard about what I appreciate about the people in my life.

I’m a big whiner so I’m grateful that people put up with me. I specifically talk about that gratitude. Yeah, I alternate it with bitching. She helps me figure out tactful wordings for situations where I am experiencing what feels like a clash of cultures.

It’s why I pay someone. “Please help me be less of an asshole. THANKS!”

I want to stop typing. ttfn oh internet