Babysitting was great. The bake sale went really well. Then I came home and I’m instantly in an angry, nasty, pissy mood. Noah made an off-hand comment. A friend took the kids to the park so the kids weren’t at the bake sale the whole time. Noah said, “Oh so you got a break.” No. I was fucking working and dealing with a bunch of fucking people it wasn’t a fucking break.

And I’m having scheduling problems with my babysitter. She didn’t make it into the summer class she wanted. So she wants to change her schedule again. And her mom has already booked things during times we HAD ALREADY BOOKED BABYSITTING FOR so now I either find a time that works for her or I don’t get help.

I’m struggling with my sense of entitlement. I’m angry that she’s fucking around and not making and keeping timing commitments. I understand that she’s a kid and it isn’t really her fault. But I’m not enjoying having my schedule set then disrupted many times in a week. Make a fucking commitment and keep it.

But I’m a flaky bastard  so I really don’t have the right to be bitchy.

So I won’t get time off on Monday or Tuesday. And I’m babysitting for someone else’s kids all day on Monday. Tuesday morning I suppose I do have time off. I have therapy. So I’ll have an hour away from my kids. And then I get to drop whatever emotional state I’m in because I’m supposed to perform happy at the park.

An hour away from the kids for therapy doesn’t really feel like a break. It feels like throwing a gasoline can into the furnace. Therapy is frequently very emotionally disruptive.

I’m a spoiled brat. I actually get a lot of time away from the kids this week. Pam is staying with them Wednesday so we can go to the Carsie Blanton concert. Thursday I leave them with the other stay at home mom in town for a few hours. On Friday we plan to go to the gym for about two hours (they are going to play with homeschool friends in the daycare. Sounds AWESOME to me).

I’m building in time away from them. But almost all of my time away from them is time where I have to work hard. No, that’s not true. That sounds misleading. It’s not that I always have to “work” but it is all stimulation. I am not getting much hide-in-a-dark-room time. I understand that I’m a privileged asshole to want or need as much as I want or need or whatever this is. It is hard for me to be around people all the time. Everyone requires so much emotional effort.

And I still haven’t written up the recommended reading list for the end of the book. So my time off on Thursday will probably be devoted to that.

I’ve been working really hard on the high-energy-kid-teaching interactions lately. I care very much about the relationships I’m forming with kids. I’m babysitting a lot. Four different families in a week seems kind of crazy. But I want these kids in my life. I want to know them. I want to be one example of a functional adult in their head. I want them to hear the things I believe with all my heart and soul while they are still young enough to really imprint.

Your body is yours. No one ever has the right to do things to you without your consent. While you are a minor there are rare medical exceptions. I don’t even force many medical exceptions. Though I am a dickhead about teeth cleaning. I’m brushing those fuckers. I’ve felt the consequences of not doing it. I know I’m pissing you off, but I have to take care of you while you are in my charge.

Your genitals are off limits to people unless you specifically invite them to touch you. A grown up doesn’t get to demand to “check” after you wipe unless you say ok. Even if the grown up doesn’t like the streaks you leave in your underwear.

Learning is a process. We get dignity.

If you screw up the first time you try something, that just means that you have learned the first lesson. You will learn many more before you get good. They are all part of the process. Keep going.

Your preferences and opinions and voice matter. Make sure you understand you. Try to help other people learn how to treat you properly. We need instruction in order to know. We can’t read your mind.

If you don’t like what someone says, it is NEVER ok to hit them. If someone hits you, hit them back really hard so they stop thinking it is a good idea to hit you.

Be careful with your body. You only get one and people are living longer and longer. The food you eat matters. What you drink matters. If you take drugs… be careful. Know your risks. If you choose to take dangerous journeys as an adult, I can’t stop you and I wouldn’t try. But know that you are important. You have to keep yourself safe because you matter. You probably have no idea how or why you matter. Doesn’t effect reality.

Girls can be abusers, just like boys. Don’t decide that someone “is like” anything without getting to know them. Never judge people by how they look. They can’t help that. All they can help is how they act. If I ever hear you be nasty about how someone looks I will think very badly of you. I’m dead serious. You can be curious. Do not be a jerk-face.

I’ve been known to say point blank to older kids/teenagers, “Anyone who would be nasty about how someone else is dressed is a childish piece of shit.” Usually the response is outright shock. I say jerk-face to little kids.

The world isn’t nice. I’m not going to candy coat this shit for you. I’m not going to grease the rails. You are going to have to deal with a lot of harsh. All I can do is tell you as much truth as I can.

Who you know matters almost as much as what you know. You need relationships with people. Lots of kinds of people.

People remember how you make them feel. You should consider how your words and actions are going to impact the people around you.

If you screw up, that’s ok. I love you anyway. We all do. That is the process.

I’m not feeling angry any more. Yes, there are things in this world I want that I can’t have. Cry me a river. Then build a bridge and get the fuck over it you fucking whiner.

I do get down time. Noah is hanging out with the kids right now.

It’s not just the medication. Although the medication does help. It was a long day out.

I had a fun day. I enjoyed talking to people. I am slowly figuring out which moms enjoy my uhh brand of music and I am sharing song titles with them. “Hard Out Here” is one of my favorites to bring up. I’m feeling pretty comfortable overall with this group. Partially because I’ve been there long enough that I would be difficult to oust.

Is secure the same thing as cocky?

Tomorrow will be fun too. It’s our first day alone with these kids. Before mom has always been present. Adventures!

I’m not angry. I’m tired. I feel overwhelmed. Actually, I feel like a whiner. Sigh.