My generation is not so big on handwritten letters. In general we stick to email. It’s easier, less effort, less waste, etc. But I believe that letters still have a place in society.
I’m not big on the traditional “rules” around when and how to write so I ignore those. I have come up with my own general guidelines for writing letters. A bit ago a friend asked me about how writing letters worked and this is my attempt to respond. (Sorry it took me so long. I was thinking about it.)
We live in a time and a place where there are thousands of things competing for your attention. Being on the computer at all is an exercise in distraction.
Why: Why bother writing letters? It’s a pain in the hand. Mostly it is because the thrill of getting a personal letter doesn’t go away. Everyone is used to post-mail being bills and horrible advertisements. Getting an honest-to-goodness letter feels thrilling and exciting. Someone cared enough about you to write a letter. It is like a tiny little micro-gift of love and attention.
When: When do you write them? I don’t believe in hard and fast rules. We have too many things competing for our attention. I think that it is good to look at your calendar and spot areas where you have a good solid two hours. You don’t need to use all that time, but futzing with addressing an envelope, finding a stamp, etc adds at least half an hour. You want more than an hour because when you sit down you need to organize your thoughts a bit. Do you have to write a letter when someone gets married? When they lose a job?
Write a letter when you want to let someone know that you have been thinking about them. That’s really the only when.
Who: Who should you write letters to? Anyone! Older people appreciate it the most. If you know someone over 60, chances are they would appreciate a letter. It is a throw back to their childhood when communication was that way or no way. (Yes they had phones… but they were *expensive*.)
Kids love letters. Kids will save them and think of you throughout their childhood. Kids will know that you are an adult who cared enough to notice them. They remember.
Your friends will feel special and loved. An email is nice, but letters are so much nicer.
And I despise handwriting. I think that writing letters is torture. But it makes other people so happy. Writing someone a letter is a way of consciously demonstrating that they are important in your life. Sometimes there isn’t another way of doing so. Sometimes you don’t have the spoons to pay as much physical attention to someone as you wish you could.
But they can get a letter in their home. They can feel loved and seen and cared for. And it doesn’t take that many spoons.
I love writing letters. I love the feeling that, unlike my normal for the masses babbling, I’m specifically trying to create a relationship with a person. I only write a letter to further serve a bond. If I write you a letter it is because I want to show you about as much respect as I can show for a person.
Hand-written letters will never go out of style. Email will never take the place of walking to your mail box and seeing a letter from a loved one. It’s just… not the same.
What: What do you write though? It depends on who you are writing. For my in-laws I stick to mostly recounting what the kids are up to. I understand that they aren’t that into me. When I write to close intimate friends I tend to share feelings. I write to tell them why I was thinking about them–how it made me feel. “I was thinking about you last night. I was thinking about when we did _____. I am so glad you are in my life.” Lots of variation is possible there.
Letters exist to help people feel more connected. Reminding someone of a memory means they are very likely to remember it better. They will remember you better. They will remember how they feel about you.
Only it is tinged with the rosy glow of memory. Science has proven that it is much harder for us to remember bad things than good things. When you remind friends of times gone by, they tend to forget the irritations. The difficulties. They remember that you stayed. They remember that you were there. They remember that you were their friend.
That’s the important part.
Sharing memories is a lot of what relationships are built on. The more memories you share the deeper your relationship. The more reminders of your memories you have the stronger you feel about them.
How much: How much do you have to write? I’ve gotten six word postcards that made my day. I have had the good luck to receive twelve page letters. Frankly, that got a little overwhelming. He was an intense guy.
You are just writing to them to remind them to think of you the way you think of them. If you can do that in a few words, feel free. It is just as meaningful.
I am so happy, I got my own blog post! Thank you!
I think of mail I receive in two categories:
1. Stuff from my mother. (She probably sends something once every month or two; I noticed she didn’t write anything in my easter card, presumably because she was in grief. I was so happy the next time she sent a card, since there were words.)
2. Everyone else: OMG THIS IS EXCITING. THANK YOU FOR REMEMBERING ME.
But mail I send? I have all kind of Stuff around it.
A solid value when I was a child was thank-you notes. There were deadlines and punishments for not writing them. It was only a few years ago that I looked up what they should look like, and they are way lower pressure things than what I was doing. I think that with thank yous, I can refer to experiences – feelings – which is how I process the world, and not get so tied up in concrete accomplishments or events. My Christmas cards (to family) are either a summary of the major events of my year (reminder of where I live, where I work, where I’ve traveled, etc), or nothing at all.
I have few regrets, but one is that I didn’t send my grandfather more mail. I don’t even clearly remember what I wrote on the last holiday card I sent him (his last Christmas).
I can’t go back and send my grandfather tokens so he knows who I am. But it is possible for me to send letters to the other members of my family that are important to me. So I’ve been thinking about this.
Given what I know about you I would guess that your family would be very happy to know you better.
*Of course* you got a blog entry. You asked me a question. I don’t get that many of them. 🙂 Sorry it took so long. Brain is full.
I don’t really do thank you cards. I have given myself permission to skip that cultural expectation. When I try to follow it I end up wanting to light people on fire.
The message I have ingrained is they are for when you can’t actually say thank you in person. I send them to my aunts for hospitality. My mother sent me a thank you text for going to my grandfather’s funeral. <3 So I think my rule is actually "can't say thank you in person or it's a really big deal". I think I'm effusive and grateful enough in person that that's fair.
I used to write a huge long (aka six+ sentence) notes, which is just so much pressure. I follow this now: http://www.themorningnews.org/article/how-to-write-a-thank-you-note I think they are lighter-weight and just as pleasant for the recipient, which is awesome. For people my generation or younger, I send thank you notes via facebook message although its usually a shortened version of that format. (I don't send them to mom – mom clearly gets the short end of my mail stick – because she sends something so often. Her love language is totally gifts.)