Right this minute I would kind of like to set people on fire. I’m in a bad mood. We went to a party today. It wasn’t one of the better parties I’ve been to this year. I mean, the party was fine. It seemed like everyone else had a great time. It was well organized from a kid point of view. But I spent a lot of time crying. And if my kid gets hit in the face next time we go over there I am done. Period. This is the second time she’s been smacked in the face there and a third strike means I’m just fucking done.

It didn’t help that one of the dads was being “playful” so he picked Calli up to swing her around and slammed her head into the side of the couch. “Oops” he said.

She’s ok.

There was a discussion about a childrens book. Other parents thought it was fine. I thought it belonged in a kitsch shop on Castro Street in San Francisco. Overly large horn being shoved forcefully into the rainbow? When I said that I wouldn’t want my kids repeating it at the park the response was that we need new friends.

I managed to keep myself from saying, “Actually my friends are nice people and you are an asshole so I’ll keep my friends.”

It isn’t that I shelter my kids. They can tell you about their vulva, vagina, clitoris, and uterus and what they all do. They know what a penis is and testicles and the scrotum and the anus and they know how babies are made and we have lots of books depicting gay families.

But we don’t have books about oversized phallic objects being shoved into other things as a way of making them better.

I’m ok with being a prude like that.

All of a sudden I’m mad at myself for committing to an event next spring. Because the folks I was around today are going to be there. And all of a sudden I’d rather stay home. Fuck.

Yes, I am more sensitive to the “fucking” imagery than most. Maybe I’m even over-sensitive compared to some of my religious friends. I can live with that.

I don’t have as many social plans as usual this week. Most of the ones I do have are with individual families. That’s probably for the best. I would like to crawl into a hole.

Actually I would like to get in the van and start driving. Maybe I’ll be back next year. Maybe.

I hate the bouncing between being ok and not being ok. Being alone doesn’t feel ok. Being around people feels much worse than being alone sometimes. Being around people reminds me that they are just people I know, not my friends. What makes someone a “friend”?

I don’t really know.

But this one dude didn’t acknowledge me for hours then he finally looked at me and said, “What’s up with Noah?” When I said Noah had time off he grunted and moved away from me and that was the conversation.

That was one of the only times anyone addressed a comment to me today.

I’d like to stay home now. Luckily it is my time off. And Noah and the kids are going to the park. I’ll sit here and cry. That’ll be fucking dandy.