Before I launch into my complaints, let me take a moment to note that a nice lady from the party yesterday sent me an email to inquire how I was doing. She noticed I was upset and she wanted to follow up when she didn’t have children clinging to her and screaming in her ear. I get it. I really appreciate the thought. I feel more guilty for not having fun.

But back to the complaints. There is a frequent thing I hear “California Time” that really bugs me. Unless my mother was lying to me (I believe her on this topic) I am an eighth generation Californian. My family has been here a while. I feel unusually qualified to judge whether or not something is “just a Californian thing” or if it is an import thing. California is a state full of immigrants.

Not because I think all people who are born in California are just like me, anything but. However when I stand next to someone who moved here as a twenty-something adult for a job, I feel I have more broad experience to base my judgment on. More than likely their experiences are mostly with other imports at their job.

I’m not saying Californians are never late. People from every place are sometimes late. My personal life experience is that Californians are late (the kind who are born here) when they accidentally schedule two things too closely together. The imports are late because they can’t be bothered to show up on time. After all, they will say, they are just on “California Time”. When people say this to me I have trouble not hitting them.

The difference is intent is important to me. One set feels like people who consistently are trying to shove 27 hours into 24 and that’s hard. The other set feels like, “I don’t have to care about you because I’m allowed to just do whatever now that I live in California.”

I dislike the imports who claim California Time with such a passion. You are fucking up my culture. This is my fucking state. Go do your late shit somewhere else.

I hate this because I show up at a party of imports and they want to bitch about how much Californians suck. Fuck you. I was the only person here on time and I am the only actual fucking Californian. All of you can suck on behalf of Ohio or Pennsylvania and leave my fucking state out of it.

I’m over-sensitive. But I’m in a slightly better mood than yesterday. That’s improvement.

Today while I have babysitting I should probably work on Outrunning. I have some follow up stuff to do now that I have it back from my editor. She doesn’t like my title. She wants me to find something lighter and fluffier. Hrm. I’m not sure how I feel about that. I’m looking for the suicidal kids. The light and fluffy title won’t grab their eyes.

I’m scared because once I finish the last editing bits… it is time to figure out how to send it out. I should probably try to send it to a dozen or more places by my birthday. Thinking that makes my stomach explode with acid. Oh shit. This is going to be a fun and festive activity.

Because it causes less stomach pain I will spend the next few minutes thinking about the party yesterday. It wasn’t that anyone did anything WRONG. I was off. I was feeling sensitive and whiny before I got there and a couple of people had tones of voices I reacted to when hearing them. That doesn’t mean they didn’t anything wrong. They aren’t responsible for my emotional state.

I had a better time but still a hard time at the picnic on Saturday. Not because anyone did anything wrong. People were really nice. Noah was really nice about the whole thing. He dressed up and danced with me and smiled and it was fun. The kids had a ridiculously good time.

It isn’t other peoples fault when I am struggling. I just happen to be standing near you when I have the struggle.

Despite how many words I can type, I’m not all that articulate when I’m having big feelings. So when I start feeling really uncomfortable and like I am wrong and like I should be forced to leave because I don’t fit with whatever is going on I get… much less socially savvy than usual. Which is bad because my social savvy is mixed anyway.

If you want me to articulately defend why I have an opinion in a mixed crowd where I don’t feel safe I am going to feel judged, loathed, and like I should go light myself on fire. Then I will be really angry with you because I had all those feelings standing next to you.

I’m not an easy person to talk to. I appreciate that people bother. I know it is hard sometimes.

I am really really shitty at responding to things cold. I don’t work that way. If you give me some time I can put together a 20 page defense, sure. This is why I don’t argue very much on twitter. I can’t do 140 characters.

I feel like I “should” start doing some form of work. Really I’d like a nice session of head banging. I don’t feel like I’m doing much right.

Even though Noah wanted me to hold firm on boundaries, I’m glad I let Calli go to sleep with us last night. I feel like I am doing wrong in so many places and in so many ways… I’m glad I hold my babies when they want me.

I will not look back in regret and think, “I wish I had snuggled them more. I wish I had appreciated how small and helpless they were.” I will take all the snuggles they want to give. Even when I don’t want to be touched. This time is so short. I have them for so brief a time.

She will be three for just a few more weeks. Shanna already doesn’t want us overnight. Calli will get there.

I don’t need to shove them towards independence. They will get there sooner than I am happy about anyway.

Shanna and I had a delightful conversation yesterday about wetting the bed. She’s had a couple of accidents recently. She insisted we go buy a mattress cover. She asked me why it happens. I said people wet the bed for all kinds of reasons. It is common for kids to have a period of time where they are learning lots of new things and they are so tired at night that they just can’t wake up to go to the bathroom. I told her it is common when kids have big scared or sad feelings they don’t know how to deal with. I told her it is called a “regression” and sometimes when your body is learning new things it kind of forgets stuff you already know for a few weeks while it is focusing on a new thing but it comes back. Sometimes you are having such an awesome dream that you just don’t want to wake up.

She said, “Well I am not sad or scared so I guess I must be sleeping too deeply. That makes sense. I sure am tired at the end of the day.”

Shanna expresses a lot of appreciation for how I handle accidents. Which is funny. Where did she get the idea that she should get in trouble? I’m not sure. But she seems to just know that some parents aren’t gracious. I tell her, “Dude I’ve had accidents as an adult. They are called accidents for a reason. Not a big deal.”

When I feel like I’m doing everything wrong. When I feel like I am a total failure I just have to look at my kids. They know they are loved. That was the bar. Ok. I’m not failing at everything. They don’t feel scared. They don’t feel sad. They like their lives. They like me so much that being away from me is nearly torture. Well, that doesn’t necessarily say anything about me–kids are like that.

I don’t feel like tagging.