It is incredibly unusual for me to go to therapy and spend more than half the session crying. Today was one of those days.

She told me that it isn’t actually much of a surprise that I want to scream at everyone, even when I’m not angry at them. I have spent the last six or seven years whittling down my bad habits/escape paths.

I don’t hit people any more. I don’t get hit. I don’t pick up dangerous sex. I have even stopped drinking, even though I never did that much of it.

I write, I run, I talk, and I cry. That’s pretty much all I have left myself for stress relief. The problem is that the running is both good and bad. On one hand, it is good for me because it uses lots of large muscles. On the other hand I come home so activated that I am ready to freak out within minutes. Because my whole body is turned on and ready to react RIGHT NOW.

I can make anything complicated.

She said that given that for most of my life I dealt with these feelings by hitting people… I should probably cut myself some slack for feeling so frustrated with people. I’m not screaming at people. I’m not being totally inappropriate. I feel my feelings and then I go off by myself. Yes, I feel like I want to scream. But I’m not actually screaming at people left and right.

I feel like I want to and then I feel ashamed of myself and then I want to beat my head.

I think I’m going to take a few months off from parties where I know less than 25% of the people going. This isn’t going well for me right now. I have enough stress.

When I go to a party and I know the host and pretty much only the host I spend the event in an agony of anxiety waiting for me to do something inappropriate that will get me banished forever because of course the host likes whoever I am going to offend much more than the host likes me. Obviously.

Even though I have really good friends who have put up with a lot and who have really shown up to be supportive when necessary… I still think at any second a better person will be standing nearby and I will be told to take a walk.

This constant need to test relationships is bad for me and my friends.

We talked about my mom and how much I miss her. She wants me to consider starting a letter-only relationship like I have with Noah’s parents. I’m not sure it is a good idea. My mom isn’t good with boundaries. If you give her an inch she will take a hectare.

I can’t open that door until my kids are old enough to not be at risk near my family. My sister is too dangerous. That’s a hard thing.

My shrink wants me to strongly consider making an informational phone call to the police department in the city where someone I know lives. We were discussing my feelings about things he has posted online and she startled really hard. She told me that I am not someone to over react to threats, so if I feel like I need to get away from someone because he is physically dangerous I should probably tell the police that he exists. They may or may not follow up, but when you look at guys like the Santa Barbara shooter… Seriously. Someone needs to say, “These guys aren’t right and you should keep an eye on them.” Only… I’m conflicted. This is like complaining about doctors.

Have you noticed how I can complain about doctors on my blog but I can’t submit a formal letter of complaint? I couldn’t complain about the fucking plumbing company who fucked us out of thousands of dollars.

Do I think he is dangerous enough that the police should be aware of him? Is he or is he not a broken stair? Well, he defines bullying as being rejected from social groups he wants to be a member of and he believes he has the right to shoot people if they bully him. Maybe the police should hear about that?

I am scared enough that I no longer want him in my home. Probably ever again. No, I will not meet him in neutral public places. He believes he has the right to shoot me if I bully him. Oh he would deny that, but he has said enough time that he has the right to defend himself against bullying that… I have to believe him. He does think he has the right to shoot people for making him feel bad.

That’s pretty fucking scary.

And that was only a five minute derailment during my therapy session. We talked about it because I said the kids were asking to see him and I was ambivalent because the kids are very emotionally attached to him. After hearing more context she said that I should walk away and hope the kids mostly forget. It sucks, but that is what you have to do sometimes.

I feel like a piece of shit for walking away from my friendship. But I have to think that I am important enough to stay away from people who think they have the right to shoot other people because of their feelings.

Nope.

Hunh. Now that I realize that the two biggest things that came up in therapy were mom-things and scary-guy-with-a-gun-things maybe my incredible activation level isn’t so surprising.

I don’t know what to do about either situation. I feel like I have no good solutions. And these are kind of big things to deal with. This is heavy duty emotional processing to just toss on top of my full-speed-ahead life.

Ok, maybe it is less surprising that I want to beat my head on things than I want to believe. That is the easiest thing to “slip” and do. All I need is privacy–no gear. And when I have extreme emotional stuff going on, my way of dealing with that has traditionally been to hit or be hit. Noah’s not a masochist. I am so god damn loud I can’t really bottom at home. I should hang the punching bag. Maybe even today.

I had a really good visit at K’s house today. Her kids really like me and that makes me feel proud of myself. They are both kids who would flinch if I was scary. They don’t flinch from me at all. They run towards me with open arms exclaiming my name because they are so happy to see me.

Holy shit that feels good. It is worth every over-night babysitting gig and more of them. Many more over the years.

Even though I feel like a rabid beast who should be shot for the good of the herd, apparently I can be safe. I can take care of kids without hurting them.

My kids don’t seem like the same kind of proof. I’m well acquainted with the fact that abused children are the most loyal. My kids liking me is biological self-defense. K’s kids liking me… that’s a gift.

In the car this afternoon Shanna told me, “Your smile is the greatest Christmas present I could possibly receive. I treasure it more than all the toys I’ll ever get.”

I cried. Because I’ve been crying for days and man that was a wash of emotion. I’m so grateful they can’t see my face while I cry while I drive.

I am not complaining about my kids or diminishing how much they like me.

I feel very lucky.

Then we had a really good park day. There has been a huge influx of little girls in the 4-9 range. Those kids can fill a lot of hours of play.

I find it kind of funny how the moms I felt less comfortable around… aren’t coming to as many events any more. I hope I didn’t push them away from the group. The people I feel more bonded with are becoming more of a core group. There are still some interesting dynamics, but I’m really glad I found this community.

I can say I’m feeling crappy. I can allude to things I don’t do with my kids around without being explicit just to clarify a point and no one cares. It’s ok.

People know about the kink cafe in San Francisco. That kind of “knowing” but not discussing.

Oh man, speaking of that community. I was invited to a party. We will be going, because it is a special event for someone in my leather family. I get to meet her new Master. It’s going to be Quite The Party. I noticed that one of the people who likes me the least from that community was invited.

I think it is hilarious how many of my really close friends are very close friends with people who dislike me a lot. To be fair, the animosity is frequently reciprocated in these cases. The funny part is: I think the dislike exists when the person and I are too similar and we can’t bear close contact with someone who is like us.

So let’s be clear that I’m not saying, “I’m better than them.”

Of the approximately 18 people invited to this gathering I have previous positive relationships with 3, negative interactions with 1, and I’ve met 1 other person once and we had a cordial exchange as we expressed our mutual appreciation of our friend. That leave 11 people I don’t know at all.

Man I feel like I should say no. But this is family. Serious Bizness.

Why is Leather Family less of a hostile concept than chosen family? Why am I so god damn inconsistent?

Well, the Leather folk always made their limits and boundaries about what they were committing crystal clear. Well, or we fucked up a few times over the years and had lots of clarifying.

I have a much harder time figuring out how to do that kind of ground-up negotiation with vanilla friends. “Our relationship structure isn’t working and I need to change our dynamic” is kind of weird to most people.

I would like to have a short list of people to whom I was so Committed that I had to turn down lots of other events where I barely know anyone.

I go to a lot of parties where I know less than 25% of the guest list. I network like nobodies business. Weak ties are some of the most useful ties to have.

But man I’d like Family. Chosen family as a concept has blown up for me. Lots of people told me that I was part of their chosen family. I haven’t heard from almost any of them since I got married. Whatever.

Leather has been different for me. Sure, they are all flakey bastards and I kind of hate them sometimes. And yet they aren’t flakey. They just have specific paths they walk. When I want to come join them, they will always make space for me.

But I can’t bring my kids. You know how it goes.

So Leather Family is in a nice neat box for me. It feels safe and comfortable because if my Leather Family had a need that conflicted with my kids, hands-down my kids win. No question. But if I am in the same space as them, or if they need me I will show up. Just like they show up when I tell them they have to.

At my events you always have to kind of wonder who is conservatively religious and who is a flaming pervert. I love my life. I feel so grateful for the diverse cast of characters.

It’s National Night Out. Time to go see my neighbors.