This has been an interesting week. I had a super intense therapy session focusing on my codependence. I tend to get upset right along with my friends. When something bad happens to them I lose a lot of sleep.

My shrink and I talked about boundaries going both ways. It isn’t just about things I want people to do or say to me. It’s about what emotions I allow to effect me.

The next two days were nearly euphoric. I had that Zen feeling I chase so hard.

*My* life is really good. I have big emotions but I have absolutely zero traumatic situations that are ongoing. I have nipped that shit in the bud. My money situation is… fluctuating but stable and positive. (I like to freak out about money. But I feel pretty safe even with my freak out.)

But mostly my relationships with Noah, Shanna, and Calli are so good. Even the boundary testing stuff the kids are doing is normal, appropriate, and acceptable even though it drives me batshit. It is supposed to. That’s life.

Yesterday we had a little bit of a rough day and it was my fault. I was kind of jagged. I have made tons of progress on the book. I’m done editing. The manuscript is finished. I put together chapter summaries and a one page synopsis. The synopsis made me cry because I think it is good. I can tug on some heart strings. I have a few more layers of preparation I have to do before I can submit to publishers. I have about fifteen likely looking publishing houses in open browsers. I’m going to submit to two by my birthday.

I put in a good writing day in the morning. I felt very satisfied. Then I just kind of went off the rails. I couldn’t stop thinking about what I want to be doing on the book next–it was intrusive and hard to refocus on what I needed to switch gears and do.

I had to finish packing for camping (all I had left was clothes [for a one night trip–big whoop] and food) and it took me forking forever. I walked in circles and dithered and found myself staring off into space a lot.

The girls invited a neighbor kid over. They played while I worked.

I think the camping packing was so hard because I kept switching chores. The kitchen was a big mess. It’s not clean now but you can consider finding the counter now. It took a while. And Shanna was doing a paper mache craft (yes I know there should be accent marks on that word) in the back yard and she kept coming inside to tell me I had to help her. And Calli was mad that I didn’t want to take her on a bike ride.

The kitchen cleaning was so important because we had a huge infestation of ants ON MY KITCHEN TABLE. Not cool.

Ok I’m starting to see why I was so edgy and irritable all day yesterday.

I have a tremendous amount of anxiety around time management. It’s a big thing for me. Every person who has done work on my house has… more innate flexibility than me. Also: everyone is busy. I get this. Waiting makes my stomach hurt.

I feel so guilty for feeling anxious. It shows that I don’t trust them. I feel like a huge asshole. I’ve worked with this family before. They do good work. I’m very happy with everything that has been done.

But when you say you will be here at 9 and I see you at 11 my stomach hurts really badly. When I get a phone call at 10 telling me you will be there soon and you show up at 3… my stomach hurts.

So I’ve had a rough week. I feel guilty because they are getting the work done. Usually he is so late because he was building something at home using his tools because building it on site is hard.

I am thrilled with what they are doing. They’ve used my huge pile of reclaimed wood to build wonderful planter boxes that I will soon paint then fill with dirt! I am excited. I have one shed and a big box put together and the fence is moved.

I’m a little cranky that the inside-the-house stuff has been put off. I would have preferred having the toilet fixed the first day, you know? So they have been scheduled to work here for ten days so far and the toilet isn’t fixed. I’m feeling a bit whiny.

They offered to come spend all weekend here. I’m going camping. So the toilet won’t be fixed this weekend. So eleven days after they were scheduled to start work before my toilet gets fixed. It’s already been broken for a while and we’ve been coping. But man! Ok, that’s part of why I’m irritated.

I apologized to the kids for being cranky. I told them that I had a lot on my mind that was making me feel upset and angry and frustrated and it isn’t about them. I’m sorry my tone of voice sucks. Shanna asked what I was thinking about. It is going to be weird growing up with them.

I told her that a white police officer shot a black boy in a different state and the entire situation is being handled badly in a violent manner. I said the police are pretty much declaring war on the black people who live in this town.

Her jaw dropped and her eyes bugged. “That’s a good reason to be upset!”

I told her that while I appreciate the work that is being done on the house I’m having a hard time with them running late a lot. It makes my stomach hurt and then it is hard to be patient.

By the third time I apologized in the day (I shouted when Calli closed the van door on me as I was going through my back pack. It fucking hurt.) Shanna told me, “Mom you don’t actually have to keep apologizing. You don’t sound as bad as you think.”

I am so grateful for the life I lead that I have… not enough spoons to type the words.

Today I have a chance to go camping with a family we’ve been spending a lot of time with for several years. This will be our first trip together. If this doesn’t go well… interest in sharing a hotel room at Disney World may fade. Ha.

I am highly motivated to make this work. This family is Geographically Desirable. Do you know how forking rare that is?! I run farther than their house on a regular basis. My kids can ride bikes that far.

I am highly motivated to make this work. I feel grateful that I was given the opportunity to develop more of a relationship with the family.

Also: her family is not much like most of our friends. And that’s a good thing. My friends and Noah’s friends are mostly part of fringe communities. It is good for us to know people who aren’t specifically weird in some way they brag about. Well, they are unschoolers. But other than that…

See, even my normal friends aren’t very normal. I love my life so much. I am so lucky that I get to live where I live in the time I get to be alive. Not everyone hits such a good temperament match. Many people feel out of synch.

I am in the right time for me. I live for transformation and change. The movement from the Industrial Age to the Technology Age is all about transformation and change and adaptation to new environments.

I didn’t know this was coming when I was a child. I had no idea. As I moved 50 times and attended 25 schools I didn’t realize I was learning how to move between systems and adapt.

I learned to see them as systems I could opt into or out of whenever I chose. Other people seem to see them as… just the way things are.

Things can be any way you make them be. The reason that Common Core will fail is because you cannot design a singular system that meets the needs of millions of people.

Different communities, different families have needs that vary. Some families need school that functions partially as daycare. In those sorts of communities, schools would benefit from extending the number of hours the children are in school and having long recess sessions in the middle of the day. Feed them three meals that actually nourish their bodies so they develop a community together. They will rise.

And on that note, my wonderful daughter just woke up. She asked for a morning snuggle. I’ll talk to you later, internet.