Monthly Archives: November 2014

Day 19: still a roller coaster

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Breakfast: GF pancakes made with rice milk, peanut butter, banana, maple syrup, grape juice, peppermint tea.

Lunch: fried rice with bell peppers, carrots, and venison, (I think cabbage too)

Dinner: carrots and cabbage stir fried with turkey and rice.

 

Apparently the cut tag thing isn’t working? Oh well.

3:30am–brown, mostly formed, not one “main” piece but several small firm-ish chunks.

7pm: little brown pellets. Like the rabbit poop! I’ve seen that on the chart! It is on the way to constipation but isn’t there.

(My experience of the next day’s results are this food is a-ok. I think the potato flour isn’t a problem. *phew*)

Today… I may eat a piece of regular bread. See how it goes, yo. I know I am not doing this as slow as some recommend. I need to test a few things before going to Hawaii, alright? Only four more sleeps!

Packing for Hawaii

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I hardly ever post pictures, so here is what I’m taking to Hawaii.

Including what I will wear on the plane.

Including what I will wear on the plane.

On the left, we have a blue shirt, hippy dress, and purple pants I will wear on the plane. Next to them is a skirt and tank top. I will probably wear the purple pants under the skirt. I’m like that. Above and to the right of the purple tank top is the black semi-sweater I like to wear. It isn’t a real sweater. It doesn’t cover your belly or your arms but it keeps your shoulders covered. Then the BRIGHT ORANGE shirt of delight, which I’ll be running in. I will lean down and borrow my bathing suit pants for running. (Between the pants and the skirt lie two lonely pairs of chonies.) Then landing all the right you see my sexy bathing suit top and my swimming hat.

I take *all the sexy* to Hawaii, baby.

First aid kit. I am so a mom. And an accident prone runner.

First aid kit. I am so a mom. And an accident prone runner.

Bandaids, latex gloves, trash bag, period supplies (I bleed by surprise these days), caffeinated mints, and medicated head ache rub. Works pretty well.

This is basically the bathroom section.

This is basically the bathroom section.

You get to see the other side of the period supplies. I have enough Q-tips to clean out… I really don’t want to think about it. Moving on. Tooth care (I don’t do well at shoving my hand in my mouth with dental floss so I use pick things–multiple kinds). Sun block. Anti-chafe stick (I don’t use it much but I will be hot.). Nail file! Don’t leave home without it!, The little makeup I own. Hair tie stuff. And an emergency rain poncho. Oh, and my hankie. Always need a hankie. All the liquid-ish stuff goes in a quart bag (with room to spare) and everything else fits in the little black bag.

Ted wants everyone to know that he is excited about his next adventure.

Ted wants everyone to know that he is excited about his next adventure.

Ted travels with me everywhere. In fact, he has already been to Oahu. We’ve been talking about how not to be a snob about it. Humility, Ted. He’s holding my eating utensils, extra bag, running belt, charging cord (and adapter), headset, and the only wallet I will be bringing. My phone isn’t in the picture, but it is the only screen I’m bringing. Yay for music and books in one place.

And of course, the most important stuff.

And of course, the most important stuff.

I hate swallowing pills. But I’m told they will help me be “healthier”. Fuck health.

And it all fits nicely together like so.

And it all fits nicely together like so.

I will probably actually also wear the shawl from Jenny’s wedding because going from airports to our house will be chilly. It packs down small when I don’t need it but it is wonderfully warm. I wear it a lot.

I’ll try to ask Noah to take a picture of me all dressed and ready to set off. It’s been a while since I’ve really gone off on an adventure like this. Going to Guerneville wasn’t very adventurous.

Now I only need to go to sleep five more times.

I’m so excited.

Oh, I tripped and twisted my ankle today while out on a walk. And the festivity continues.

Day 18

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This is a really emotionally hard process. If I wake up and have a normal poop, I feel like I am allowed to eat. I’m allowed to try something. If I don’t wake up to normal poop it feels like I am bad and I must be punished with terrible food I really don’t want to eat all day. I don’t get to have anything with flavor or texture I want.

Yesterday I woke up with normal poop. So I tried a few things. Today I didn’t wake up with normal poop. So I have to punish myself more.

When does an elimination diet become disordered eating and self harm?

Yesterday I swallowed all the usual pills minus pot. I was tired before I started and I knew I wouldn’t be able to do 9 miles if I had pot in my system.

Breakfast: rice cereal, rice milk, grape juice

lunch: leftover fried rice

snack: raspberries and banana (the kids are eating their Halloween candy and this is the closest I can get to sugar and watching them eat is making me feel so bad. As usual I am not good enough to deserve what other, better people get.)

dinner: bell pepper stuffed with venison, cabbage, rice, carrot.

Yesterday I pooped at 9:30 in the morning. It was solid, formed and what poop should be. So I got cocky. I have already paid for my luxuries yesterday. This morning is not so easy.

Don’t know if it is the banana, raspberries, or venison. I god damn needed more protein. I am working so hard physically that I simply must have protein and I’m being told that most vegetable proteins aren’t a good idea yet. I have to have something other than just turkey. Have to.

But maybe I don’t get fruit any more. That makes me really sad. I’m hungry and I want sweet so fucking bad. It hurts. It physically hurts with how much I want to have something sweet. A banana isn’t really what I want but I get a few hours of reprieve from the grinding desire for sugar.

Yesterday I felt much more hopeful and happy. Today I’m crying. Today I wake up to, “Well should I revert back to rice and turkey and the three vegetables and I get nothing else today so that hopefully tomorrow I can have normal poop and then maybe I can try something?

Partially I’m freaking out because I leave for Hawaii in five days. Am I bringing a large cooler full of steamed rice and turkey? Is that the only way I will eat on the trip or will I just have wicked diarrhea the whole time?

I don’t know what the right answer is. I’m hungry. I want food. I want a variety of foods. I want meat and vegetables and fruit and I WANT FUCKING WHEAT.

Egg is the only for-sure no. The fruit might be too. That makes me very sad.

If I get to the point of only being able to eat 10 things, is my life going to be worth living? If I can essentially never eat out again or never go to someones house… is that a life?

Today I feel scared and sad. My body doesn’t feel good. And I’ll I’m supposed to eat is fucking rice cereal with fucking rice milk. I’d rather not eat at all. I’d rather spend the time in the bathroom cutting. All of this food is starting to feel like self-hate.

Noah continues to make our normal, varied, fucking tasty food for him and the kids. Eating with them makes me cry. If only I weren’t so bad I wouldn’t have to be punished. If I was capable of being good, I would be allowed food.

I’m glad we don’t have anything scheduled today. I don’t really need to talk to anyone. I’m going to sit here and cry and feel sorry for myself.

This right here is why I have never made it so far on an elimination diet.

Good list, bad list

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Given my bathroom experiences of today (I have yet more REAL HONEST TO GOODNESS POOP!!!!!) I would say that this experiment *is* yielding results.

Good list:

rice, turkey, carrots, cabbage, bell peppers, venison, banana, maple syrup, grapes

Know for certain that these things are totally ok.

Maybe list:

raspberry

Bad list:

eggs, carbonation

 

It’s a start. Better than I knew three weeks ago.

Day 17

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Breakfast: this unsweetened rice cereal shit is shitty. I’m just saying. And eating it with fucking rice milk is just gross. Oh man. I’m having it with grape juice so I can swallow ALL THE PILLS. I can’t swallow pills with water. I throw them up. Souvenir of overdosing.

For the record I’m taking: birth control pills (supposedly as a mood stabilizer–Noah and I don’t think it is helping), SAM-E (some other mood stabilizer kinda supplement my shrink wants me on), fish oil (mood management), B-Complex (filling in the gaps on my shitty diet and mood management), probiotic (gut health), Ibuprofen (I’ve been taking one a day for a while because I hurt so fucking much), and some days I take my pot pills. Not every day.

I tried swallowing the pills with water. I puked.

lunch and dinner came out of the same pot: I made fried rice with the last of the rice I made using the onion powder containing broth. So that contaminant will be out again soon. I had this totally weird moment where I looked in the fridge wondering what I would use for the fried rice and I saw the bell pepper and thought, “I’m having fucking bell pepper. They can’t take everything away from me. I’M EATING MY GOD DAMN BELL PEPPER.” And that was really weird for me. I didn’t eat vegetables until I was in my late teens because my fiance forced me to eat that shit. I didn’t start eating bell peppers by choice till my late 20’s. This was a weird moment. I also included carrot (less enthusiasm but still important) and cabbage with the turkey. I stir fry in olive oil (cold pressed or I’m not supposed to eat it) and use salt and pepper. It tasted better than you would think after the deprivation of the last few weeks.

Lots of peppermint tea. Supposedly it is cooling to the intestines.

Today gets a cut tag for all the poop. Oh man. Continue reading →