I don’t really want to think about whether or not I will ever believe I deserve to be alive.

So I’m transferring the planning stuff I’ve done online to a paper notebook that will be my bible for the road trip. Plan A on the assigned route is mapped out. There are places for plans to change and places where the plans really can’t change. I used the US map that AAA sent me to map out the route in blue.

I’ve already started making reservations. Aug 4-9 is for sure nailed down (Michigan). August 29-September 2 (New York) nailed down. November 16-20 (Disneyland) nailed down. That means a lot of the frame of the trip is now non-negotiable. I’ve paid money. I’m doing this. Even if I have diarrhea the whole way. Whatever.

I’m moving packing lists into the journal. I’m writing down the GPS coordinates of all the places we hope to camp so I don’t have to depend on my computer and being able to log into a website to look it up. My phone GPS (or really I have a non-phone GPS in the van too) will be able to handle things if I have the number even though I can’t get to websites.

It is going to be hard to wait till June. I want to run away. I can tell that part of it is wanting to run away from my problems. I know that doesn’t “work”. But space can give you perspective.

By the time we leave for this trip I will have lived in this house for three times as long as I’ve ever lived anywhere. I am so antsy to go.

I’m partially doing this stuff on paper so I can color coordinate. Blue pen is Plan A. That’s the pre-planning before the trip. Who the hell knows how much of it will be accurate later. Other colors for other stages.

I’m making a list of what books I want to bring with me. I’m not the biggest fan of ereaders (they make my thumbs hurt) so this is a weight/size consideration. I may have to do a bunch of ereading stuff for the kids anyway because I just can’t bring a bunch of kids books. I am trying to figure out books on audio and I’m not there yet. Yes, I’m slow for the modern era. I did download the BBC reading of The Chronicles of Narnia. The whole damn thing. That will take us a few weeks to listen to in the car.

I suspect that part of what I will do about books is prepare bags in advance and Noah can exchange some when he comes out for weekends. That will allow us some variety without having to carry it the whole way. And let’s be honest that we will buy new books. It’ll just happen.

I’m already feeling panic about how much money we will spend on hotels/camping through the trip. I’m arranging as many free nights as I can, but we will have to pay several thousand dollars in camping/hotels. Given that we will be gone for five months that won’t be the end of the world.

I need to get a AAA membership, both for the obvious reason and so I can get the discount camping. I’ll probably also want to join KOA and just stay loyal to their campsites as much as possible so I’ll get the discount.

Chicago, Washington DC, and Boston are my currently unpredictable hotel expenses. Noah will be with us in Chicago and Boston. None of those cities have convenient free camping and if we want to be in the city doing stuff we will need a place to drop the trailer and that means a hotel. Or I suppose I could look harder for KOAs near there. Hm. Haven’t decided yet. Depends on the difference in price, probably. If a KOA is $35/night and I can get a hotel for $50… the hotel might be easier. Either way eating is still kind of a pain. Although camping eating will be cheaper than hotel eating. Dinno. I’ll probably wuss out and do hotels with Noah.

Mostly I should consider what set-up is most likely to result in us being able to have sex. Hotel rooms have the benefit of bathroom doors with locks. I promise you that Noah would be happy to pay a little more for a space that facilitates sex.

It is feeling crazy to me that I have this year planned all the way through Thanksgiving. 

At least I know I won’t get bored.