I don’t want to put my mood tracking stuff in any posts marked kid-friendly. To me that is part of the dividing line. Which means 500 words is about as many as I can manage in a row before I’m like “Yeah that’s how kid-friendly I can be.” Good grief.

Today is very different from yesterday. Today I’m not angry. I don’t feel any rage. Instead it is anxiety. The fact that I get angry like I did yesterday is fully reason enough for me to deserve terrible punishment and for everyone to stop talking to me forever. Even if I didn’t say anything to anyone. Even if I didn’t do anything… I could and that’s enough for me to deserve PERMANENT SHUNNING.

And even that sounds more intense than I really feel right this minute. If my anxiety runs up and down from 0-10 I’m probably only at like 6 or 7. I feel a little bit of self-assurance that I didn’t blow up a relationship yesterday even though I was a bad person having feeeeeeeeeeeelings but I could have and that’s enough to deserve punishment. I’m going to take a moment to lovingly rub the insides of my cheeks with my tongue where they are currently macerated and tell myself thank Gawd it isn’t a 10 Anxiety Day.

Our second baby-sitter quit already. Well, more accurately she called and said she could no longer work during the week at all (stuff with her kids) and she has no-showed more than 50% of the weekend hours she was supposed to work. So I told her that I will look for someone else. Half quitting half getting fired? It was a nice dream while it lasted. I liked her. She was nice and she worked really well with the kids but if someone is only available on the weekends and they only show up half the time on the weekends… that doesn’t work for me. And she was the only person who would interview. Ha.

I have emailed my former student who is listen on the baby-sitting site. Technically the hours I want are outside the window she lists on her profile and that is why I didn’t ask her first. But the hours I want only extend one hour outside her preferred window so I sent her an email today asking if it is horribly rude to inquire about hours outside what she advertised. We’ll see what she says. I would actually be really excited to work with her. She was one of the ones who hung out with me a lot during breaks and after school. I like her a lot. AND she’s super physically active and might be better than me at teaching Shanna how to ride a bike. I’d be super thrilled with that bonus. She is one of the students who taught for me when I had substitutes.

When I was a teacher I had a very firm policy: my classes should run like a clock. The students need to have the routine so ingrained that they can do it whether I am there or not. So when I knew I had to be absent in advance I would select one student from each period and have them come in during lunch before my absence. We would go over the lesson plan and I would answer all the questions they had. Then each period had their own fellow-student-teacher-of-the-day. Subs loved me. They all would give me their personal phone numbers and beg that I call them first when I had to be out because my classes were so easy.

I miss teaching. I was good at it and that is a validating feeling.

I haven’t been good about getting to homeschool events lately. I was sick then it was the holidays. I think I need to figure out pieces of my attitude about the home schooling community. I’m having a hard time figuring out where I fit. I haven’t ever felt like I fit anywhere. This is not a problem based on the people in the group. I could find things to complain about (and in person I do…) but really I think this group of people is really awesome. I feel very lucky to have found this home schooling community. It doesn’t exist everywhere.

Some times I have big feelings in the direction of the group organizer. It happens. She does not exist solely to fill my needs and I have feelings about that. Sheesh. How dare she. But she has kept a group going for a very long time. I respect that. I respect what it takes to put your head down and keep plugging along even though it is hard and people come and go and you never know what you can depend on. I have deep appreciation for her hard work. I couldn’t do it. I’m grateful that she is there providing the background structure that I’m allowed to drop-in and join when I can and there isn’t a lot of guilt about me not showing up when I can’t.

So the fact that she doesn’t live and exist to meet my needs is something I can forgive and all. I have my feelings and they aren’t her fault or problem. But I need to figure out how to interact with someone who is that steady and there and in charge. That is a kind of figurehead I have had a lot of trouble with historically.

She must have a plan that moves on forward without me. I’m not dependable. I have deep respect for that. But that means that sometimes I have a hard time seeing how I fit into the group. That’s not her fault. I’m not blaming her.

Fuck talking about this stuff is hard.

It is really frustrating and hard sometimes that I know so many really busy people. If you don’t happen to have a perfect scheduling line up you get bupkis. I really struggle with not taking it personally.

I know it isn’t personal. Other people are centering their lives around them and that is right and appropriate.

It is really hard seeing where I fit. I’m so hard. I’m so picky. I have so many stupid nit-picky things that I will completely fly off the handle about and… gawd I’m not fair.

I get so angry. Does my anger make me unsafe? Or just uncomfortable to be around? Is it ok for me to make people uncomfortable? Is making people uncomfortable the same thing as bullying or abuse?

It is very hard to see how there might be a space for me in a community unless the community is looking for a new bully.

I am so defensive that I am on offensive enough that I am scared I’m a problem. I don’t know how to evaluate this.

Relatively high anxiety day.

And now… it’s time for the babysitter to go home. I should stop typing. Whoa anxiety. Shaking. Stupid body.