With luck I will talk to the city today about remodeling stuff. We need to drop a paper off at the bank. I have therapy. Today is park day. We should go to Urban Ore after the park. Maybe before the park because of driving distance stuff.

Wednesday we get to have visitors during the day and a different lovely guest for dinner. In between the kids have a make up swim class. I will probably spend all the nooks and crannies moments of the day cleaning because the house is slipping and I haven’t done much in a few weeks.

Thursday we are driving to San Francisco for home school day at the Charles Shultz museum. I feel like there is something going on Thursday evening–dinner? But I only wrote it down on the white board and I can’t see it while Noah is sleeping. I think Thursday has two events.

Working with lovely gardener on Friday to move plants for the remodel. Some of my stuff in the front yard will have to move and I don’t wish to break my back on my own. This is going to be heavy and really really hard. Yay for help! I love my gardener. We’ve worked with him for at least 6 years and he’s mellow and not too assertive but happy to help with my projects. Perfect. I *think* I will be done moving yard stuff for the remodel on Friday. I have more yard stuff I want to do in a bit, but not yet.

Need to go to the hitch store to get the electrical system hooked up on my van so I can go to DMV and get a license plate and register the trailer. I want this done in February. I don’t know how long it will take paperwork to process and I’d really like to run off with the trailer by April. Ack.

Also: I need to prepare for presentations. Eeep. I feel nervous about public speaking with adults. Teaching kids is so easy in comparison. Kids are way less judgmental. They don’t have the experience to know I’m an idiot. Adults… adults are scarier. The first weekend in March I get to talk about imposter syndrome and on the 15th Noah and I will present on sustainable ambition. March is going to be a fun month. Then I get to go to a grief ritual. I haven’t been crying much lately. I think it will be good for me.

I’m feeling a lot of guilt and shame lately. I don’t deserve to have the life I have. It should be taken away from me and given to someone more deserving. I’ll get over it.

I read books about historical religious women. There is a lot of precedent for folks giving everything they have to the poor because they feel unworthy. I choose not to be a religious martyr though.

In March I get to start ordering bathroom fixtures and doo-dads because the remodel will start in earnest. My credit card bill is going to be insane but I’m incredibly happy that I will get mileage points for this remodel. Those points are probably going to pay for Noah’s plane flights to see us on the road trip.

I feel like I’m not being a good member of the home school group. I feel like I’m being flakey all over the place.

Deep breaths. I can only do what I can do. I got my email inbox down from 30-something. It’s been full for a week. Now I have one email from the bank and that can go away after I turn in the form today.

It’s going to be a busy week. And I’m not ready to think about next weekend or next week yet. Oh man.