Hoo boy I’m feeling defensive. That does not mean that anyone is attacking me. I’m going to clarify anyway.

I do not feel entitled to have people go on trips with me. I do not feel like I deserve having people go on expensive vacations with me. I really don’t feel like anyone owes me such behavior.

I just wish I had people in my life who wanted to do things like that with me. I ask the people I know because I don’t know how to ask people I don’t know. Unfortunately… my friends don’t really like spending their vacations the same way I do.

A good friend of mine rows crew. She’s been doing it for years. She’s done a lot of travel for the sport. Very serious business in her life. She has wonderful friends from that community and she’s built a lot of her life around facilitating having crew in her life.

I don’t have a single solitary thing I like the way she likes crew.

I like Disney Land/World because I like the customer service. I’m kind of meh on the movies. I really don’t give a shit about meeting characters. I’m not impressed with “magic”. I’m fucking impressed with people being nice to me.

Disney is horrifyingly expensive. I know that. I understand that going to Disney is not something that everyone can do. I know that many people who could think they have much better ways to spend money. I can’t argue. There are better ways to spend money.

I don’t know how to meet people who like what I like. I talk to random people in line at Disney parks. I make “line friends”. But I don’t know how to find the people who want to do group trips on a regular basis. I know that such people exist because I know some of them. They go with groups all the time. I will never be part of their group.

I don’t know how to find a group of people who like me. Who also like doing what I like doing.

There aren’t many things that I feel I can invite people into doing. I don’t have a lot of community standing anywhere. I’m not that good at anything. I’m thrilled to invite people into being a beginner with me, but I’m not an expert at anything.

Mostly people who form packs around a hobby or an interest are people who are good at whatever the skill is. I know people who travel internationally for juggling festivals. They are serious about their fucking juggling.

I don’t have a hobby like that. I don’t have a thing I like doing that naturally bonds me together with people. I tend to follow along on the hobbies of people I like and hope I can be invited into the group strongly enough that it doesn’t matter that I don’t give a shit about the hobby. That never pans out.

I danced because Jenny invited me. Because A² invited me to dance and was willing to teach me how. Because I felt I had enough people who consciously wanted me to go that it was ok for me to be there.

I felt welcomed into the bdsm community when I felt like fresh meat. I understood my limited worth and value and welcome. I wore it out.

So going to Disney shit is one of the things I personally like most in life. It’s lame, it’s stupid… Disney vacations are really awesome for me. It is one of the environments in which I feel most successful. Partially that is because in Disney…. if you need help all you need to do is look around, spot a cast-member, and ask for help in a chirpy voice. They will jump right on that shit. It feels so good to me. I don’t have that experience much.

So I invite people to go with me. And I feel really guilty for asking people to go with me because it’s expensive and it’s time people don’t want to spend that way.

I feel shitty for asking because then people have to tell me no and it doesn’t make them feel good and it doesn’t make me feel good. But not asking means you have no chance of being told yes. It’s a double bind.

I don’t think any of my friends should ever feel bad about not wanting to go to Disney with me. I don’t think anyone should ever feel guilt about not wanting to hemorrhage money on an experience they don’t want. I’m not that big of an asshole.

But I feel sad. And I don’t know how to deal with being sad in a way that has zero impact on people around me. Either I can not write about things, which means I take things out on the people who are in the room with me (like Noah, Shanna, and Calli) or I write about my feelings and make people feel bad through the internet.

I feel like this running into two combined issues for me. One: my Disney relationship is complicated because I mostly am so attached to going because my mom really liked Disneyland. All of my Disney memories and feelings are weirdly tied up with my mom and abuse/nurturing mixed together. I’m trying to replace the experiences I’ve had with more positive experiences but it is slow going. The other thing is: I’ve been really sitting heavily with the stuff my dad used to say about me being an inherited witch.

He told me, frequently, that I was an inherited witch. If I failed to get people to do what I wanted I just wasn’t trying hard enough.

I feel like that message is part of what is fucking me up so hard right now. I feel like my lack of ability to get things to go how I want with the home school group is a sign that I just haven’t buckled down and worked hard enough. I don’t want it enough. I didn’t … something. I “should” have control and I am bad because I am not maintaining control.

It’s not appropriate or rational.

One of the lessons I beat my head against all the time is… I can’t make people do what I want. I really can’t. I can’t make people fulfill my needs. They are filling their needs and their needs are not about me.

This is why I’m so grateful for Noah and the kids. Their needs do involve me. I am necessary. I put myself in this boat on purpose. And even with those motherfuckers they still don’t do what I want.

Nobody listens!

(I kid. Mostly. Ok, I’m not kidding when I say that no one listens. That’s just true. But they aren’t motherfuckers. Well, Noah is a motherfucker. But that’s different.)

I feel really stupid for how upset I get about the Disney shit. Talk about entitled idiocy. Boo hoo, people don’t want to spend thousands of dollars on a vacation I will enjoy and they won’t. Boo hoo.

I am genuinely not mad at Person A, B, or C about the Disney shit. What I feel is sad. Because I like them enough that I want to have the bonding vacation time and I can’t figure out how to be someone in a position for them to have that kind of relationship with. I don’t know the right things to offer. I don’t know how to be “right”.

I just do everything wrong. The things I want are wrong. I don’t know how to invite people into the kinds of relationships they want.

I don’t know what to do differently.

The older I get the more and more I gain awareness that whereas I am enjoying pursuing “fitness” I am 100% not fucking interested in physical competition or sports. It feels like a lot of the group identity stuff has to come through being willing to engage in that kind of competitive spirit. I can’t do it. I get too emotionally invested and then I hate everyone and I don’t have any fun. I’m a total fucking asshole about competition. I can’t do it and have fun. I’m mean. I start wanting to hurt people. Bad juju.

You have to know your limits.

I don’t want to say that people don’t prioritize me. That’s a lie. Blacksheep would not have run a marathon with me nor flown to Hawaii on the spur of the moment if she didn’t prioritize me. I mean, good fucking grief.

Ok, so those two times I managed to offer something that was her speed. I need to not feel like her lack of desire to go on a cruise is reflective of the pattern of our relationship. Not related.

DSH also went to Hawaii and has made efforts over many years to include me and my family in events she pretty much doesn’t invite people to. We are clearly special to her. Not being up for a specific trip doesn’t mean that she doesn’t prioritize me. (I’m sorry I was so self-involved when I saw you the other day. Sometimes I’m really bad at looking past me.)

J isn’t doing anything wrong by preferring camping. I know this. I’m disappointed that spending time with me and the kids is not more of a draw. I’m allowed to feel disappointed and sad when things fall through. It’s not ok to shame people for making choices that are appropriate for them.

Am I allowed to feel disappointed?

I really don’t know. Maybe? I feel like there is a level where it’s ok to be disappointed and a level where you are just a self-absorbed piece of shit. Do I really get to be disappointed that I can’t talk people into spending almost $10,000 on a vacation? No. I really fucking don’t. Being upset or acting like people “should” do that for me is gross.

I’m living in a weird place of hyper-privilege. I don’t get to be upset that people have trouble coming along with me. If I do that then I’ve lost all the perspective I should have. That would be offensive.

…Ok. So I’m an entitled piece of shit. Am I allowed to be disappointed? I asked these people because I really enjoy their company. I asked people who ostensibly have the funds and time to spare, they just choose to spend their resources elsewhere. As is their right.

Am I allowed to be disappointed? I want to say, “Yes. But not mean.”

I feel guilty because I’m not being as supportive of Noah as I should be right now. He’s about to go through job transition stuff. His company is shutting down and it’s going to be a period of disruption. And I’m self-absorbed and spending my days trying to avoid crying. I need to get the fuck over myself.

I can understand why so many folks in the mental health community are pissed off at Neil Gaiman for his most recent book Little Triggers. Triggers are not “things that bother you”. Triggers are things that make you feel like you are living in another time and place experiencing horrible things again. Triggers are black boxes you get locked inside of. Sometimes you don’t even get a window to remind you that there is a “real life” out there waiting for you when you get out. Triggers are smells that cause you to be unable to see the people in the room with you because instead you see ghosts. Horrible, violent ghosts who are going to hurt you again and are never going to stop hurting you.

I’m triggered and it sucks. But at least I’ve learned more coherent language and coping skills! That’s… progress?

Also! A note on comments. I check my comments obsessively which is pretty stupid because I get very few. I could check once a week and be fine. Because I check so often that means that most of the time that I check I am not at a proper keyboard in the frame of mind to take in someone else’s words and respond coherently. Which is why so many people get one sentence monosyllabic answers. I’m acknowledging that I see it.

I read every comment dozens of times. I think about them. I try to figure out exactly what someone meant (because I understand that I’m reading through some fucked up filters and trying to make sure I read things correctly is a lot of effort) and usually… I don’t respond intelligently. Or if I do respond intelligently it fuels one of my next blog posts and I may or may not make it clear in the new blog post that I am expounding on a question from a comment. I’m tricksy like that.

Sometimes I say, “I’m sorry you had those experiences” because I have overwhelming crushing sorrow upon reading your words and I am so fucking sorry you had that happen to you. It shouldn’t have happened. That is wrong. The world shouldn’t work that way.

But I can’t type all that every time. Mostly because some days my arms burn like fire and I’m not typing more sentences than I have to at all.

I’m really looking forward to the enforced break from typing on the road trip. I hope I heal.

This is going to be a major lifestyle switch for us. I say as all four of us sit here in a room on our separate screens.

Noah wisely points out that I mostly only feel like I hate the whole world and all the people too when I need to spend some time at home. Soon I will stop feeling that way. Soon I will remember that actually… I desperately love people. I even like people, warts and all. Complications and all. Difficulties and all. If I like people even if they are difficult, maybe there are still people who will love me even if I’m difficult.

I’ll want to crawl out from under my rock again. If I stop pushing myself.

It is very annoying to me how often Noah is right. *glare* (You will remember exactly when I wrote this.)

For now, this is a very nice rock. I’m going to sit here for a while longer. It’s a good idea. I’ll stop wanting to swipe people with my claws if I stay here for a while longer.

Down kitty.