I didn’t sleep last night. Trying not to feel like I’m drowning in failure.
Why is it so hard to believe that I am capable of doing anything right? Why do I feel like I get everything wrong?
I feel so sad it is hard to find the energy to stir my tea.
Today is clearly maxing out the “depression” symptoms as opposed to the anxiety symptoms.
And I’m off smoking pot till December. Edibles it is. Oh man. They don’t do mood elevation. They level out anxiety but don’t cause me to feel more cheerful.
45 days until we leave. This minute it feels like the most mind-bendingly stupid thing I could do. I am too stupid to pull this off. I’m going to get stuck and hurt my kids and…
I’m very scared. My whole body hurts from fear.
Half an hour into baby sitting and I’ve barely moved. I haven’t finished a cup of tea. This much typing in that length of time is… barely moving. I can type 3,000 words an hour. 150 in 30 minutes means I’m mostly not thinking.
I think I’m going back to bed.
The extra nice thing about privilege is that you’ll physically be fine. If you need to call a tow truck and taxi and buy emergency place tickets home, you *can*, and it will all be ok in the end. Do what you need to when it happens, and sometimes just the amazing truth that you can pull that escape cord if necessary makes it easier. At least, that helps for me.
I wasn’t willing to go on a journey like this until I had the ability to just up and come home. You are right. Privilege is the most awesome thing ever.