I was talking to a girlfriend about sex. I said that we have a new rule–no putting your dick in me unless you get me off first. She said, “Oh so you aren’t having sex any more?”

Uhm… no. We are having more sex than usual. More than we’ve had in a while. And it’s better. Why would you think we would stop? Don’t you understand this is why I married Noah?

I wasn’t going to be married to someone who would take a rule like that and say “Fine then I won’t fuck you.” To me, if someone responds that way… that’s not someone I want to spend time with. I’ve had seven years of sex mostly not involving orgasms because things got a lot harder after having kids. You have to take a lot of time and attention and mostly… penile penetration just doesn’t do it any more.

I’m sad too. Believe me. More sad than whoever owns the dick. I’m the one who isn’t coming as much.

But I married Noah because he hears a rule like that, grins and says, “Ahhh. A challenge! So that means I get to spend extra time having sex with you?” Then he waggles his eyebrows in a way that is cartoonish and not-sexy but he likes it and I try not to complain. (He thinks the eyebrow waggle will grow on me. I have my doubts.)

I have “taken one for the team” and put out when I wasn’t in the mood hundreds of times. No one gets to claim that I’m not meeting him halfway.

It’s time for things to shift. I need to have things shift. My pleasure needs to be important too. Not just my ability to be a supportive member of “the team”.

I sorta feel like we are fucking like rabbits because we anticipate the drought being hard. Neither of us are prone to abstinence.

I’m having lot of mixed feelings about sex lately. The Duggar case is bothering me. (If you are hiding under a rock: the Duggar family is a Quiverful family that has had a reality show about their super-sized family for years. The oldest son has recently been revealed in the news to have sexually assaulted four of his sisters and an unnamed other girl.)

First and foremost: I’m not going to get into trashing the Quiverful movement.

I’m feeling weird about the statute of limitations laws. None of the girls can do anything about their abuse because a police officer shushed it up at the time. That officer has since been sent to jail for child pornography. Should we change our statutory laws to reflect what should happen when there is an official cover up?

I don’t know.

Because there is a part of me that can’t hate the boy. He was raised to believe he was a male and he has the authority to do what he wants to the females around him and if they are sexually appealing it is their fault for not trying hard enough to cover up.

I’m a rapist married to a rapist. I don’t think I should cast stones from my glass house.

My stomach hurts.

This all feels so complicated.

I believe that forgiveness should never be encouraged nor forced upon victims. They will get to forgiveness on their own or not at all. The victims in the Duggar case were told they had to forgive instantly or God wouldn’t like them any more. When you grow up in a cult living your whole life for God…

I wish I knew what the answers are. I don’t. Lots of big feelings.