Today we leave Vero Beach and drive to Marianna Florida. It’s just too far to get to Alabama in one day from here. This means we will drive through Alabama and not really stop. We are going to stay in New Orleans for 8 nights because that is less exhausting than drive/camp. I planned to drive/camp and… I’m so worn out. I just can’t. I feel guilty.

I sat still for almost three days in a row here. I’m so tired.

40 days until we get home.

On our last day in New Orleans we pick Noah up. Then we get to spend 13 days with him. That will be lovely.

Of course those 13 days will mostly be spent in Texas with his family. I’m feeling kind of numb to that right now. I’m nervous because I don’t have a lot of patience left. I’m kinda worried I will blow up at Noah’s family.

Depends on what they fucking say to me.

8 days in New Orleans, 12 days in Texas (in multiple cities seeing his whole family), 5 days in Disneyland (with Sarah!).

We are otherwise driving then staying put for a day until we get home. That’s the plan. I might change our destinations slightly so that we can have slightly longer drive days and camp for 3 nights in a row to rest in between driving.

My back is so pissed off at me. My arms hurt. I’m spending lots of time on Twitter because it doesn’t cause as much pain. I think it is funny that I thought I would be off Twitter for six months. Instead I’m not posting much here because my arms hurt so much and I don’t want to be recording all of my emotional ups and downs here.

It gets annoying to me.

Lots of big feelings. Mostly we are having a really good time. The down moments still don’t last that long but we are having harder and harder days. The kids are out of fucking patience. So much screaming lately over anything.

Mostly younger child. I think that kid is always going to have big, explosive feelings. Let’s go home and work on managing them in a lower stakes environment, ok? We can figure this out together.

The gender ambiguity is… different than it was months ago. Most days are she/her/girl. I honestly think that the wedding in New York with lots of women in suits was the big thing. There was all of a sudden the perception, “I don’t have to change genders to change how I look. Oh.”

I’m trying to still be tentative about my assumptions that I “know” what this kiddo will decide long-term. It’s not my body and it isn’t my life. I’m trying to just be accepting.

I’m being too hard on Eldest Child and I know it. I’ve been told that she isn’t going to tolerate me being this bossy once we get home. Heh. “Mom I know that you are being so controlling because we keep changing environments and they all have different expectations… but I’m done with this. It stops when we go home, ok?”

I don’t know how I ended up with a kid like this. I mean, yes she reflects the parenting she’s received but I honestly believe most kids just couldn’t be as sure as she is even with me as a parent. Youngest Child sure isn’t the same.

Sometimes I feel like I’m dealing with a very short 60 year old. She’s not 30 or 40. She’s… just… I don’t know… aware and resigned to the idosyncracies in life? She is accepting and yet completely sure of her limits and needs. I rarely see that in folks who are more in the middle of life. She’s just… I don’t even know. She’s seen it all. She rolls her eyes like a grandmother who is tired of your lip. She doesn’t put up with guff.

It cracks me up.

I was told that when we get back kids will not be doing chores for a full week. They are just done with being helpful. But they both say, “After that week you get a week off. That’s only fair.”

Holy crap y’all are so fucking nice.

It’s funny how they teach me how to teach every day. We’ve had dozens of philosophical conversations about doing dishes. “It’s not like taking a shower. You don’t just run the water over the dishes for a long time and call it good. Really, haven’t you noticed how in the shower we use soap and rub it on our bodies? Yeah. You have to *rub* the dishes with a soapy sponge/cloth or they don’t get clean. No, running enough water to flood the carpet doesn’t get the dishes clean. Bummer.”

I am… liking Disney resorts less as time goes by. Disneyland is different. The thing that is bothering me the most is how this is a closed community of upper middle class/rich people. Everyone here feels 100% confident that their politics are universal.

I am liking human beings less with every passing day.

Fuck your assumptions with a pogo stick.

I think it is really ridiculous that people feel they have the right to yell at me because I am “bailing on the system” by home schooling but when you mention private schools, “Well that’s different.”

You piece of shit hypocrite. So the very wealthy putting their kids in private school is fine. Poor people or lower middle class people providing an education on their own is destroying the moral fabric of our country? Shove your idiocy where the sun doesn’t shine.

The home schooling demographic is all over the place but usually not that common at the top-most rungs. Most very wealthy people would rather put their kids in private school than home school. Most very wealthy people don’t want to spend that kind of time with their kids because they have to work to maintain that lifestyle.

Did you know that ~25% of the schools in this country are private but they only serve 10% of the population of children? How in the hell can that kind of subsidizing not be more of a problem to the public system?!

Especially since many ostensibly home schooled kids are enrolled in charters and are still part of the funding cycle.

I don’t think it is going to be possible to convince me that caring about the larger system is more important than caring about the individual needs of my children. I brought these people into the world. I owe them. I don’t owe everyone else.

Also, I actually was a public school teacher. I don’t think you get to say I have never contributed in a positive way towards other peoples children.

I’m just not going to throw my kids under the bus. What does that mean? My kids would not be doing hours of homework. I would be organizing mass protests through the PTA. I’d be a problem. My kids would be punished for that.

That’s not fair either. And I sure as fuck am not going to teach them that they should waste years of their life not progressing because other people need to catch up. I’m not going to teach them to do busywork to appease a system that doesn’t care about them and doesn’t have their best interests at heart.

The current public school system is a mess. The push towards testing is really harmful. It creates all kinds of stupid anxiety and self-dislike. Children are convinced by their teachers that they can’t possibly be smart if they don’t follow along like good peons.

I don’t really want to raise people who believe that they are required to just follow bullshit orders. I want my children to think about what they should do and why rules exist.

The convenience of a teacher, principal, or political system should not be their highest priority.

Shit like this. My kids are not going to go to school to be subjected to the casual views of my broken culture. No fucking thanks.

Do you know what my kid says? “Well, I used to think I would marry ___ but now I think that is not a good idea. I want a partner who won’t hurt people. You know… he actually used to push me around too. I didn’t like it but I liked him. Maybe I shouldn’t let someone do that to me. I want a partner who is nice to me. I’ll keep looking.”

My children will not be raised in toxicity. They will not be enculturated to believe that abuse is the same thing as love even though that idea is absolutely pervasive in American culture.

No.

If people don’t treat you right, get the fuck away from them. There are too many fish in the sea.

Ok, kids are waking up. Time to push on.