I was thinking this morning, the purpose of life. How much does loving yourself play into it? How much does it matter if you love yourself if you love other people enough to make  up for the lack. I don’t know.

I want to take my children around the world. It’s going to be expensive. I need them to see, with their own eyes, what it means to be alive right now. We live in a special time. Yes, there have always been people who are privileged enough to travel and to have interesting experiences but usually that was reserved for a handful of people from each country. We live in an incredible time. The amount of mobility that is possible now is absolutely unprecedented.

I believe this will not continue forever. I believe we will come to the end of the fossil fuel. I don’t know how quickly we will come up with replacements. Everything comes to an end. It isn’t something to mourn, exactly. It just happens.

So, if I want to have the adventures I want to have with my children I need to change how I live in my body. Near as I can tell, I am going to spend 2016, 2017, and well into 2018 specifically trying to heal. That is really daunting to look at right now. It means I will have to shrink my world. I will stop reaching out. I have to. I’m not sure how to do this. I have spent my whole life looking out and out and out so that I do not have to look within. I am scared.

My world has shrunk before, when my eldest child was born I abruptly backed out of everything. I am told that it was shocking. I was serious when I said this would change everything. Having children has changed everything. I wanted it to and it worked. Now I have to change again. Have to heal the damage I have already caused and I have to learn how to not cause more damage. Then I will have to spend several years specifically working on getting stronger. Or I will not be able to do the tasks I want to accomplish in this life.

I always feel kind of pissed off when I notice something like that. I don’t want to do this. I’m scared. I know that I’m whiny white girl and I have all the support I could possibly need; this is hard anyway.

What would doing this be like if I were playing on a more difficult level?

Nothing is fair.

Oh crumbs.  I just realized that I need to get some lidocaine. I have a tattoo appointment.