This time I’m thinking about health stuff as it relates to money. Specifically, how I’m going to catch up on my budget in the next few months. Right now I’m kind of hemorrhaging money. This has to stop soon. Between the remodel, vow renewal, and health related expenses this year is already freaking me out.

Of course health-related expenses includes paying for things like physical skills classes. I’m never sure if I make the right decisions.

Thinking a lot about why we need to say no to things. What is health? What is balance?

I’m going to the grief ritual this year in May and the cruise in August. Then I think I need over a year off from travel. I need to save the money. Travel is related to my mental health because when I travel I talked to a lot of different kinds of people. These conversations are part of how I construct the view of the world that allows me to continue. I don’t think the travel of the waste. I just think I need to not afford it right now.

I think Christmas this year needs to happen for under $300. For the whole family. Why? We don’t have room for new stuff anyway. I think mostly we will buy food.

I’m scared that I’m spending a lot of money trying to fix my body and maybe it won’t work. Maybe I should be spending this money differently. I remind myself that Noah wants me to make these choices right now. This is complicated because I am feeling better but I don’t know if I’m enough better to justify how much money I’m spending. How much better am I going to get through this much money? I don’t know. That is scaring me right now.

I hate when my bank balance is going down instead of up. But I really want this bathroom. I think I will be happy about living in this house forever with this bathroom. I think that if we sell this house the bathroom will be a plus. I know that people don’t believe me yet, I’m used to people not believing me when I say things will happen. The funny thing is, I’m right pretty often. Not all the time.

ack. Kid walked in while I was using the microphone. That was hilarious. Never mind. I’m done typing. Bye.