My sleep is seriously off. I’m up to more than three weeks of this awful. I’m not hallucinating yet but I think it is not that far away. I have a med evaluation scheduled for Monday.

Because I’m so tired my moods are cycling fast. I’m going between happy, sad, irritated, ecstatic, calm, cheerful, and then right back to cranky as fuck. Just sitting by myself in a room. I’m not really even interacting with anyone. Barely chatted this morning.

So many feelings all at once. I feel 3 and 13 and 17 and 24 and 34 and 56. The 56 is kinda weird but I’m sure looking forward to the smug satisfaction I hope I’ll feel by then.

Despite the fact that I fuck up (and yes I really do) I feel like the last ten years have had an amazing trajectory. I’m really looking forward to the next twenty years. My life is amazing.

Why can’t I just live in that space all the time? Why can’t I feel good in my body because of where I am and what I’m doing?

Because tomorrow is Tommy’s birthday. He should be turning 39. But he won’t. He’s stuck at 21 forever. Because it was just Sissy’s birthday. She turned 47. I should be watching her grow up. But I’m not. I rejected her and I talk shit about her. Like a piece of shit baby sister. My other brother will turn 42 this year. The meaning of life, the universe and everything.

I wonder if he has ever stopped being so angry? He said he had to break up with his family because we drove him to blinding rage and he doesn’t feel that way about other people.

I understand.

He doesn’t want to think about the past. I get it. The past hurt us very badly.

I wonder how his kids are doing. I wonder how much he has hit them. I know he’s big on spanking. I wonder how much it has escalated. I worry but I’ll probably never know. I hope my sister has never fucked up again with another kid. But I don’t know.

Once you cross that line, is there going back?

I have not had sexual contact with a minor since I was a minor. I never will again. I have no desire in any way shape or form to do so.

I feel so lucky. There was something wrong with my father and that curse skipped me. Thank you.

Today the roof should be finished on the addition. Then we wait for the bathtub to arrive. Once it is here there is three days of tearing down a wall and installing fixtures. Then tiling and painting. I’m doing the painting. I’m laying out tile starting today.

From when the bathtub arrives, we will be done in about three weeks.

Now we are just tapping our toes for the bathtub.

I made a mistake. It ended up being ordered about a month after I was kinda supposed to order it. Because the original order had to be cancelled. Whoops.

Oh-the-well.

So they can go work on other projects and ignore me for a bit.

It won’t be a bad thing to have these folks not in my face for a bit. I’m feeling weary of dealing with them. I think I picked the wrong company. Fuck. Oh well.

I’m tired of them acting like I’m someone to work around and only consult when absolutely unavoidable. It’s my god damn house. I’m fucking responsible. Talk to me.

I think I figured out a theme for the mosaic building. Nature in seasons. It’ll make sense when you see it. Let’s see what I can build with the stuff I found fairly randomly for cheap. Ha.

I’m going to stop for a minute here and say, this is pretty cool even if it is scary. My house is going to be a very serious piece of art when I’m kinda done. The kids and I have more painting ideas. I’m really enjoying this part of owning a house. I wonder what I’ll do when I’ve painted the whole house completely and totally with different fantasy/nature scenes? When I run out of room… what next?!

See what someone else will pay for the privilege of living in Wonderland? Enh? Enh? That’s kinda a cool idea.

Maybe. We’ll see. Or maybe I’ll live here till I die. I really don’t know any more. I’m trying not to future trip much beyond 2021. That’s far enough right now.

The kids have strong opinions about the around-the-world-trip. They don’t think they have any desire to do 12 straight months of travel. The kids are saying, “How about 3 month trips on four years?” I’m not sure. That would be a very different kind of expensive.

Hm. Must think. Good thing we have five more years to decide. In that five year period I have to pay off the mortgage and the heloc.

Oh god.

I started out this year with around $130,000 of debt because of the mortgage. At the end of this year I’ll probably have about $200,000 worth of debt. Sob. It’s going to take five years to pay it all off. I *know* I can dedicate $40,000/year to dumping on debt. Higher than that is… harder. Maybe I’ll be able to? I need to stop forking traveling in the meantime.

Uhm… one more big trip? Yeah. The 10 year anniversary was long since planned and paid for. So we’re doing it. Jenny and one of Noah’s random people he met through work are going. And their families, of course.

I’m a little surprised anyone at all wanted to go. Thank you.

I look forward to spending a week trapped on a boat with you. We’ll get to talk. There are really fun water slides and pools and daycare. Food and food and food. So we don’t have to do work as we sit around and talk for a week.

Yeah. That’s my idea of a good time. I understand that other people don’t find it appealing. That’s fine. You don’t have to like what I like. You probably also don’t enjoy kicking someone in the testicles as much as I do either. It’s ok that we are different.

It’s ok that I want to homeschool my kids and you don’t. It’s ok that I want hours and hours of snuggling and you don’t.

It’s ok that you are better at holding down a job than me. It’s ok that you are better at caring about a collective arbitrary goal.

We are allowed to be different. We have to be different.

I need you. And I need you to need me to be how I am. Because there has to be a place for me. Just. As. I. Am. Ok, with room for growth because shouldn’t we all be growing?

I’m so tired. But I have a mosaic to lay out. In a few hours I need to call around about parts. I’m dreading that. I hate the phone. I had my phone on silent all day yesterday and it was a good thing. I came back and saw a bunch of voicemails and texts. I answered them when I felt like it. I’m kinda glad I ignored everyone who wants to treat everything like an emergency. I didn’t act like I was responsible for answering just because someone felt like calling.

That’s probably healthy.

The skylights need to arrive. I know. You told me on Friday they had to be here on Monday and I went to the store on Saturday. They had not previously been on my shopping list because y’all are supposed to be buying the windows. But apparently skylights are different? And you didn’t give me much notice? So guess what. They’ll be here when they bloody get here.

I don’t need to answer a bunch of texts from you about that. We had a meeting on Monday. I told you it was arriving Wednesday. Guess what. I’m not going to sit around all day and argue with you about that.

This dude is seriously pissing me off. I’ve asked over and over and over for a complete shopping list. They won’t give me one. Instead they want to tell me on Friday what is supposed to be here Monday. I can’t always comply that fast. So uhm, shove it. Stop telling me you are losing money because of me. I’m paying through the nose for this unpleasant experience.

I feel like these guys act like if a man says they can’t have it till Wednesday they say ok. When I say it they text me over and over asking why they can’t have it yet. Because it is on a truck.

fuck.

I couldn’t pick them up because they weren’t in stock. They had to be ordered. And Monday was President’s Day. Take a chill pill.

Not to mention that I was told the roofers would arrive early Tuesday and get it done in one day. Instead they showed up around two and had to quit at dark with hours of work left anyway.

I’m done apologizing. The windows arrive this morning. Chill all the way out, motherfucker.

I’ve had multiple people bitch lately that I’m not available fast enough when they text or call me.

You know what you people can do? You can kiss my lily white ass. I’m not here for your entertainment. I don’t have to be available when you god damn want me. I’ll call you back when I want to fucking talk to you. Until then, stop acting so god damn entitled. You ain’t my boss. You ain’t my mama. Even my god damn mama doesn’t have the right to demand my attention so I don’t know where the fuck you get off thinking you have the right.

I don’t have to respond to you instantly to tell you if it is ok if we move our appointment by 15 minutes three days in advance. I’ll get back to you in time.

People. You are annoying me.

The roof will get done. I won’t see construction workers again until the bath tub arrives. Oh. Joy. I should put a tarp over the vanity that is still outside. It’s going to rain today. Tile lay out is going to be intense. I have ideas. I’m just… nervous. I’ve never done anything like this before. This is my first foray. And it will live in this house forever. No pressure.

Am I brave or stupid? Ha. Ha. Ha. The line between those bastards is razor thin.

Time to go make a smoothie. And tea. Noah makes everything else. I’m checking off all the boxes. Not true, I haven’t been meditating in a few days. I’m so out of whack. But I’m doing all the other health plan stuff I have agreed to do.

I’m trying. I’m doing my best. I’m not sure how good it is. But it is all I have.