I’m whinging on Twitter about this and I want to be clear in my overall documentation.

I’m not upset that people turn me down. I’m upset because I put people in the position of having to say no and that upsets a lot of people. Many people feel just about violated by having to refuse something they don’t want as having something happen to them by surprise. I’ve had people get so mad at me.

So far so good on what I’m asking for these days. No one has blown up and been very angry. There are lots of “I’m up for x but not y or z” which isn’t a flat no in the same way. But it’s a lot of negotiation.

I’m feeling very anxious about enforcing this on people. Am I being an asshole? I don’t know.

Of all the people I’m negotiating with the only person I was a dumbass and flat asked for assurances that I’m not pushing too hard is my submissive. I have to kind of pretend that I assume everything is going fine with everyone else. I’ll tell him I’m freaking out directly. Because shit dude it’s been 15 years and if I can’t say that at this stage fuck everything.

Is it ok that I’m asking you for things that you have to say no to. I don’t want to be a problem.

Not that he’s saying no to much. I’m not upset about him having boundaries. Anything but.

Having boundaries is ok. I feel very bad that I’m so bad at figuring out where other peoples boundaries are. I need really explicit verbal conversation in order to understand and usually I need to repeat questions a few times and…

I feel like a bully. I feel like a monstrous predator who is trying to force people to do things. Even though I’d prefer people say no to things they don’t want. Making people say ‘no’ hurts them sometimes.

I’m forcing “Ask” culture on “Guess” culture people sometimes and that bothers them a lot.

I’m reminded of the chick this last year who told me in great detail how horrifying rude I am to ask for things instead of just accepting what is offered to me.

You know what… without asking… people just don’t fucking offer what I want.

Does that mean it is wrong for me to ask? Because people rarely automatically offer up what I want?

I don’t know. She clearly thinks so. My submissive says, “This is just how relationships go. You are fine. We are negotiating.”

I want to cry.

I’m sorry that I am not good at intuiting what is “right” and what is “wrong” and I need you to tell me explicitly.

I feel like a failure.

I know that this feeling is today. I don’t think it is always. But right this minute I feel like I’m hurting people and I feel scared of that.

Luckily today Noah is going to beat me six ways from Sunday and maybe I’ll forget.