I feel kind of surprised. I expect an energetic drop. I expect to feel disappointed or sad or like I was filled with something wonderful and now it is gone. I still feel fairly peaceful… though less sated.

It helps that Noah and I are talking about this a lot and he keeps saying, “Clearly this is a need.”

I feel weird putting it that way. Is this a need? I’ve been wilting like a flower for years without it. Does that make it a need? I can live without casual sex. But my life is harder.

What does that mean? I don’t know.

Hell. Am I even having casual sex? I’m having extramarital sex. I think it is a stretch to call it casual. Not with how twitterpated, in love, and in love with love I am. This isn’t feeling casual. It is feeling wonderful and fulfilling. I’m really really really enjoying feeling adored. That is working for me.

Noah and I were talking about energy output. We were talking about how if Noah went and looked for this much activity he wouldn’t come home filled with energy. He would have to dump all the energy into a person. I feel like an empty watering can that visits a variety of fire hoses. I’m filled by my experiences. (*cough* bad joke *cough*)

I come home more interested in everything. I want to be alive. I want to connect. I want to give. I have so much to give.

I find it funny how I have gone from thinking I had nothing of value to offer anyone in the world to thinking I am a uniquely resourced individual and I’m a piece of shit if I don’t share.

What a difference a decade makes.

I’m not perfect. I’m not even claiming I’m great. I’m resourced.

Different.

As someone who had many years with no access to resources that could have changed everything… that is intense for me.

Pam told me I’m posting a lot again. I measure in word count and I’m way down so whatever.

“How do you know people are reading your site?” A-n-a-l-y-t-i-c-s. Sheesh. You think I have opinions without data? Have we met?

Do you know what would make this whole process easier? If either Noah or I were certain what we wanted. That would make every step more simple. We’d be able to walk towards a goal. We do that well. Instead we are both doing Kermit-flail-hands and saying I dooooooooooon’t knooooooooooooooooow.

Cause we are hella mature and shit.

I do feel less need to be hit than last week. I will want to be hit again. And not in many years like the last gap, but I don’t need it this week. I sorta feel like my body won’t waaaaaaaaant that again until after my next cycle. I want sex though. Oh I want sex. I’m having sex daily. Often many times a day. I kinda wish I could work in at least once or twice a day more.

If Noah manages to land this work-at-home job our sex life is going to be so awesome. He’s going to work weird hours, but I can go back to having sex in the afternoon. (We have babysitting then.) That’s my favorite time to have sex. 2pm. Want. Want. Want.

I will grudgingly get it up at other times of the day and night due to logistical considerations. But 2pm is the sweet spot. I’m a hair bummed that camp starts at 2pm so I won’t be set up. Oh well. I’m used to missing the sweet spot. Sigh.

Sharing is hard. What is hard about sharing? Oh that’s hard to explain.

I really like the idea of sharing Cupid with his partners. For some reason that’s just kinda hot to me. Talking to other smart, interesting people about how to share a desirable resource… that’s hot. I can’t tell you why. It just is.

Deity said he wishes he were dating someone so he could discuss them during sex. I said, “Yeah I don’t think you understand that it usually ends in me crying.” No he didn’t quite understand that. I’m weirdly insecure. I don’t feel afraid of some people or some situations.

Noah is careful what he tells me. He frames things gingerly. He gives me lead up and a chance to say “Not tonight.” This is a lot of why we’ve been talking about his ex-girlfriend. One who came before we got married. Because I’m finally not idiotically insecure about her. Now. After ten years of marriage.

I am so ridiculous.

There’s a difference between exchanging low key supportive conversations with women who are more established in a relationship with someone who isn’t going to be my everything. That’s fun and easy and community building and I genuinely just love it.

Deity isn’t someone I get to be possessive of. Why is that coming up? I’m pretty stupid. That’s why. It isn’t that I don’t want to hear about what he does with other people (I do) but I would have a hard time with an ongoing thing. Telling me about what you’ve already done isn’t weird or hard. But if you did it yesterday I’ll be squeamish in a weird way.

I spend a lot of time wishing I were more easy going. I haven’t managed yet this lifetime. I’m a ball of intensity.

Noah is telling me a little about his play. Enough that I won’t have someone else say, “Oh doing _____ was hot” and I have to feel surprised that it happened.

Noah can be in the room watching me play with someone else. It makes him feel safer. He’s terrified of things happening off screen. He wants me to come home and tell him everything.

I’m…. different. I have an easier time not feeling threatened if I don’t see something or hear too many details. When things get fleshed out I feel like, “Oh my god why would you stay with a loser like me when you could have that?”

I adore the woman he played with last Saturday. Hell, I have more or less pushed them into playing twice over many many years. I’m not insecure about them interacting. But if I tried to sit and watch it I would cry. Is it because I don’t want it to happen? No that’s not it.

I’ve been a pervert for a long time. I understand how many bottoms are looking and how many tops are offering. Sharing toys is just plain polite. Noah is awesome. More people should have the ability to experience awesome. Because life is short and hard and brutal and it isn’t fair that so many people don’t get to experience awesome.

But watching is hard.

Even when I’m the center of attention for multiple people I spend the time wanting to crawl out of my skin because why aren’t they looking at someone better. Anyone would deserve this more than me and so many people don’t get any attention at all. It shouldn’t be me. It should be someone better.

But I… kinda drown in how much I want attention. I want to be interesting and fun. I want to be an edutainment. (Thanks KJB)

But I’m scared that instead I am just a waste of resources and peoples’ time.

What makes someone “worth it”? What does that even mean? Oh hell if I know.

This is why I’m not in groups on Fetlife. A friend posted that in her opinion a suicidal person should not be allowed in a bdsm dungeon.

Do you realize you never would have met me? I have been suicidal more on than off for all the time you’ve known me. All the time I’ve been alive.

I think I might be getting close to the tipping point, where I have spent more time wanting to be alive than time spent wanting to be dead. Close. Soon I will have had more time of wanting to be alive and I cannot begin to express what that means to me.

It sure does make hitting and being hit feel different.

I’m giggling so much more. I’m amused that I’m doing what I’m doing. It’s funny. I’m thrilled that someone wants to do this with me. Awesome. I feel giddy that I’m getting intense interaction after intense interaction.

“I usually scare people with my intensity.”

Oh sweetheart. I think you’re like a 6. Keep going. I’m fine. You haven’t hit close to my rev limiter.

You want intensity? I’m being restrained. Cause you’re new and that’s polite and shit.

I like intensity. What do you mean by intensity? I’m hard to scare off. It may take me a few months to memorize the logical leaps you tend towards so I follow you instantly in a conversation but it won’t be hard to catch me up now. It just takes a little structural work to help create my schema.

I know how to do this shit. I’m not afraid of learning a complex person.

Hello that’s my wet dream.

I’m here looking for intensity. Cupid might be the lowest intensity thing I’m chasing and that’s only so low intensity because I’m not available. He can bring it. He can be mellow too because he’s busy and not bored. But… yeah. I like intensity.

That’s not what is going to scare me.

What is going to scare me? Oh if only I could predict that in advance my life might be so much easier. I mean, lots will scare me. I no longer think everything scares me.

One of my chiropractors called to check in on me. Because I’m that kind of patient living in that kind of small community. I told him I felt overwhelmed. He said, “You seem to spend a lot of time feeling that way.” “Yeah. You remember that PTSD I bring up a lot? Overwhelmed is one of the key features of it.”

He… wished me well and didn’t know what to say.

Thanks for calling?

I didn’t finish winter. I don’t like what I did last night at all. I’m pulling it up. It’s too dark. Too off-white. It looks like I’m an idiot who just can’t fucking lay tile to save my life. It doesn’t look like a mountain. Fuck. I’ll fix it.

Noah isn’t coming home till after his date tonight. That’s a long time of being out. It happened like that on Tuesday too.

We are so enmeshed. This much separation is… weird.

I’m so busy I’m not lonely. But I notice Noah not being there. I notice Noah not being there. He makes everything better.

Then why in the fuck do I want to step out so bad?

Because there are things I need to learn and I am not learning them in my home environment so I am hunting for the teachers who will teach me what I need to know.

Is that what this is about?

Maybe? Kinda? What are they teaching me. None of them signed up for that dynamic. But I force people into the role of teacher without consent all the god damn time.

You are alive. You are in front of me. What can I learn from you?

You are alive. You want to interact with me. You want to talk with me. How will I need to adapt and change to do this right? How will I need to grow in order to become someone who can do what you want? Because every new person requires change.

Noah makes it 100% safe to just sit at home and be. He is safe. But I need to change. I don’t know how and I don’t understand why exactly. Because it is time to change a cycle? Because it is time to… make some progress towards growing up?

Is that it?

I’ve been doing this job for almost eight years. That’s a fucking long time for someone with my attention span. I’m way more impressed with Noah. The stability has come from him. Who would have predicted that?

I put all my eggs in one basket predicting that so nyah nyah nyah.

I’m actually often right about what I predict. Not always. Often. No one is always right. But I look at people really hard. I’m right sometimes when I predict their behavior.

And one of the best things I learned as a teacher: set the bar high. They will rise to the bar you set. If you expect little… that’s what you get.

Noah says the key to happiness is low expectations and I say it too and we laugh and we mean it when we say it. But there is this dichotomy right next to that where our marriage would not work without my high expectations and drive to change things. It’s just a fact. I drive both of us forward.

No wonder everyone thinks I am his top. I am definitely the one who gives direction. I push, shove, and irritate both of through growth. He does some on his own too, but I’m an asshole. If he does some growth on his own I come along, kick my toe around and say, “Yeah but you coulda done…”

He sighs. Looks at me with a mixture of “I don’t like you” “Why do you hate me” and “I hate it when you are right” and buckles down. I’ve seen it over and over. This man blows my mind.

I have helped/pushed/encouraged people towards professional or educational development for many years. I’m pretty good at it.

You can be more. You can be whatever you want to be. I mean, not really. We can’t all be an astronaut. But you could be a rocket scientist. It just takes study and time. We have time. I’ll help you learn how to find resources. I’m fucktastically good at finding resources.

It’s a gift. I’m an asker.

In every moment of feeling like you are nothing I see in you the potential to be so much. What can I do to hold that mirror up in front of you?

Don’t ever turn down your intensity. Turn it up.

Ok, maybe turn it down for an hour or two at work or something. Maybe.

But I was a teacher. Intensity was kind of my stock and trade. It’s part of why I’m so god damn memorable.

Uhm… I’m told. So. I lived in this town Apple Valley for 18 months in 5th/6th grade. I moved away very happily. I had to go back many many years later (I can’t remember). I was walking down the street. From a long distance I hear someone screaming, “OH MY GOD IT’S KRISSY ARCHER.”

I’m memorable.

You won’t always like me. But you’ll remember me.

Noah says I’m not scary because I do everything out in public and I’m not secretive. I’m not sure he is right.

I went shopping and spent my personal money on scalpels and wound care. I found some interesting sounding huge bandages and it makes me wonder about learning how to carve pictures. If I could cut a picture that was like 6″ x 5″ that would be lots of potential.

That’s a slightly frustrating idea because I wouldn’t want to do that on my submissive because that could scar and that means I sorta just want to use myself and that’s not why I’m buying the scalpels… don’t go there Krissy.

I’ll use the neat bandages. He will have cuttings that will not permanently alter him. I can do this. Self control. I haz it.

When I paint the vines in the kitchen I want to paint the word ‘forgive’ on the stems and leaves in tiny almost the same color paint. You’re going to have to really work hard to see it. But I will know.

Who am I forgiving?

Forgive yourself. Everyone else can deal. But it is so easy to forgive other people. Well, some. Maybe not.

I don’t forgive you or you or you or you or you. I’m not there. Fuck you with a pogo stick. I want to stop carrying this hatred though. It is starting to feel burdensome. I’m getting very close to being ready to give this up for me.

My current life is not a life wherein it is easy to carry around excess anger. I did that on purpose. I’ve had to work tremendously hard at not projecting anger because I used to scare the shit out of random kids and I don’t any more.

I have changed.

The anger is still there if I look right. But I’ve put it in a special kind of box. A box labeled “useful explosives”. If I have need of a whole bunch of energy… it’s kind of like keeping wind in a bag on your boat. If I hit a spot where I just god damn need wind to keep me safe… I can reach into that box. I can get angry like a lightning bolt as fast as nothing. Then I can get a whole lot done.

So I hesitate to get rid of it entirely. It’s sorta a battery pack?

Compartmentalization. Oh goody.

I’m just… not angry like I was on a day to day basis. I feel so different.

I never knew I could feel like this. I feel like all the pieces are coming together. I feel like I’ve been working on chunks of a 50,000 piece puzzle in separate buildings and now they are being carefully fitted together.

What will the picture be?

A train wreck!

Muahahahahahahaha

Ahem.

Uhhhh never mind.

I don’t know. But I’m in a good place. I got the evaluation form off for Eldest Child’s thing. I feel guilty that it took almost three months. It’s been a… consuming three months.

No one is worried about EC having huge dramatic problems. We are just trying to figure out what things should be tweaked to do better. So it sucks that I’m delaying and on the other hand… it’s not the end of the world.

I think 3rd grade will be very different. I think… yeah. Gosh I don’t know what will happen. Good thing we have the summer to talk and research and make decisions. She says she is ready to buckle down more and work.

I am literally not able to provide that until we finish this fucking remodel. *beat head on wall*

Today: finish winter. I hope. Friday and Saturday finish the autumn wall. Start the other side of the shower.

I have a lot of tile left. Good thing I have a lot of walls left.

I still don’t know what summer is going to be. Maybe summer needs an ocean scene. I have some really pretty blue tile that would be great for ocean. I don’t have a lot of it. So then I could transition to sand, plants, shoreline, sky…

I’m feeling conflicted about putting sky into the mosaics. I feel like that will make it kind of weird to then paint sky around the mosaic because it won’t match.

I’m thinking.