Do you know what I think is funny? When someone I’m sleeping with tells me that I’m a selfish slut for saving hand spoons for jilling off instead of immediately answering their questions. That’s hilarious.

Also: I’m quite thrilled that Cupid says it is ok to answer questions he asks me here. Good. Noah will like reading this too.

“I could be meaner in where and how fast I punch, but I don’t have a lot more strength.”

I feel like I live for statements like that. Fuck yes. Good. I’m glad to feel where that is. This is going to be a beautiful play relationship if that is as hard as you can punch me. Because you won’t be frustrated that my limits are short of yours. Yes, you can hit me with nastier toys and wear me out faster than you but it is much hotter to wear us both out.

I love it when the rev limits are similar. It’s so satisfying. Can I take more hitting than that? Yes. I still haven’t really cried. But the bruises on my thighs tell me I don’t need to be whiny about not getting harder. Yeah. That’s hard enough to be incredibly satisfying. Like satisfying.

[I wrote all that before the radio show. Now that Noah and I have had quite a week of talking about how much he doesn’t like it that I want to play with other people heavier than I want to play with him… I feel like it is important to point out that Noah hits harder than Cupid. I’m thrilled to hear Cupid say he can’t punch harder than that because I very rarely can max someone out. Usually I have to cry uncle. And then, if it’s Noah, he feels sad he didn’t get to max out his rev limit but jeezus I can’t take that. It hurts too much. Which is complicated.]

Why is being hit so satisfying? I don’t know why. I just know that when I have to lower my pants to go to the bathroom and I see blooming bruises I want to stop doing chores and go masturbate. (I usually don’t because I spend all day with my kids and that would be rather inappropriate.)

I’m glad that Noah has been able to see the last two times I played with Cupid. [Well, honestly I have slightly more mixed feelings now. But hopefully it’ll go on to being just good.] It’s lead to interesting questions about my level of being overwhelmed. Post-kids for quite a few years there I told Noah “no intensity”. I needed him to be… really gentle. Like shockingly gentle for me. It was a uhhh hard adjustment for both of us. Him because it meant trying to learn new techniques, me because it fucked with my self-identity. What is this I can’t do intense bullshit?!

The road trip just reset things and I don’t feel like I understand why. It was starting to build before then? But something about being that kind of independent and just doing stuff really changed how I felt in my body. I want to feel things again.

Parenting has been fascinating. I’ve worked hard on learning a lot of boundaries around intensity and sex and gentle handling. I didn’t have many of those skills pre-children. Integrating who I want to be with who I already am has been jagged and uneven. I feel like pieces of who-I-was are creeping back and reintegrating those things is complicated.

I was thinking earlier that part of the reason that going to more intense space with Noah is terrifying is because of how the rape went. I’m not upset with Noah. But that… broke something in me. In December it’ll be ten years. It still impacts me. That’s… that’s fucking scary. Noah is really strong and really intense.

I don’t know how many more things like that I can take in this life from my safe person. Which makes really intense edge play with Noah scarier than it is from anyone else. Which is becoming stickier and more complicated and harder by the day.

If someone else fucks up and breaks me… Noah can fix me. What do I do if Noah breaks me? That… that scares the ever loving shit out of me. It’s not fair in a whole bunch of ways and I know that. It means I kinda cock block him from a lot of stuff both of us might enjoy because I’m scared.

It means he has no idea that I like being overwhelmed… a little. Because when he overwhelms me it doesn’t go to 11 it goes to 16 and I just… can’t.

Because I can’t let him overwhelm me like that. Because if something breaks I have no safe place to go to get away from it. Noah is my home.

I’m not sure what this will mean. I think I understand more about why my play with my Owner often left me feeling so shitty afterwards. I had no safety to come back to. When I felt like I was drowning in fear and anxiety I was supposed to shut up and go back to serving his life.

I can do that in a limited sense as long as there is space for me to be nonfunctional for long periods of time. When I lived with my Owner I had… a lot of alone time. I was usually alone in the house for 10+ hours at least three days a week. I had time to go hide in the bathroom and cry by myself. I don’t have that kind of space in my life right now. I must function. Every day. All day. Despite shitty mental illness stuff I have made it so I have a life structure where I must function.

Home schooling my kids is kind of my way of forcing myself to have no choice but to deal with a lot of my problems. I have to get up at a reasonable time and interact and be cheerful and explain things and help them with things and … be a person who takes responsibility. That’s my life. I want it and I like it, but I didn’t have that kind of frame without them. I spent a lot more time being… well… a huge asshole.

Being hit the way Cupid hit me at the last party, till I’m having trouble standing because I’m in so much pain… that feeds me and I don’t know why. That kind of being overwhelmed. Being beaten until I really can’t take a lot more without passing out or going to a hospital is as satisfying or more than the marathon. Because when all is said and done that allows me to access more positive brain chemicals. Running is less fun. Ha. And often when someone beats me like that they also want to get me off and that’s just fantastic when I am limp and empty and drained and I have nothing more to be taken from me and then they just keep taking from me.

I’m feeling this hunger still. Not super intense. I need to heal first. I still haven’t been hit till I cry. Not really. A little bit of vocalized sobbing without tears barely counts.

Are you giving me enough time to process, oh sweet Cupid? That depends on your goal. I look forward to when we get around to having our first dinner date and we can have a conversation in person with our clothes on. Ha.

Are you missing more subtle reactions? Certainly. Absolutely. You are missing tons of subtle reactions. You aren’t hearing gasps or moans or sighs. You probably aren’t noticing a lot of grimaces and flinches.

Is that a problem?

Meh.

Depends on how much you like those reactions and are motivated by them. If what you want is to get to a place of overwhelmed and intense and sobbing… honestly you’ll have an easier time if you aren’t hesitating every time I gasp.

How much pleasure do you want me to have?

Cause I’ll tell you. Once my body hurts like that coming is… honestly not that much pleasure. It can be a fun kind of not pleasurable. The kind of not-pleasurable that makes me masturbate like crazy for a long while to come.

(Oh man. Noah and I have a do-whatever-he-says-date coming up. Recently we did a forced orgasm scene. I hit 78 orgasms. He is currently threatening me with needing to beat that number. Ow. Ow. Ow. Yeah, there’s a point at which orgasming isn’t pleasurable. But I sure find it entertaining that people want to do that to me.)

Will I enjoy it in the moment? Not once we get much over 60. It starts just… cramping…

But I’ll beat off thinking about it afterwards and that’s fun.

No Cupid… I’m not trying for a resistance scene and I’m not hoping you’ll chase me when I collapse. I’m… in too much pain to stand and I’m trying to breathe. Sometimes my leg is genuinely collapsing under me from cramping. Please oh for the love of toast don’t hit me when I’m down.

Although god it was hot the other night when you knelt behind me and hit me in a different spot…

Do I want you to stop or not?

Yesnoyesnoyesnoyesnoyesno.

Like that.

(By the way it is charming as all get out to have Cupid’s other play partner be so enthusiastic about sharing. I’m enjoying the heck out of talking about his sexual preferences behind his back. That’s hot. “No he likes sex! You aren’t disappointing him!” What a nice lady. Yay.)

The reality is that I’m coming up on my physical limitations more than the limits of my spirit. I probably should at some point acknowledge that it may not be good for my body to have this many contusions this often.

Whatever.

Noah says I need to start worrying when the bruising stops healing fast. So I’m fine. Snicker.

Oh, yes I did explain to the other person with your name about the cramping/fisting. We exchanged delightful supportive messages. I’m shocked by how… caring he is being? I don’t know. I feel like he changed over the last decade and some. Maybe being a father was good for him? Ha. He is quite thrilled we had such a good time at his party.

Growing up is good for all of us. I’m feeling so dang loved lately. I have awesome friends.

I am thrilled to hear that you would consider fucking me in public. That’s great to hear. Swoon. I get your unthrilledness about fucking where there is no shower. It is… inconvenient. I can live with that pickiness. We are old people. I like having things just so. (We are old…. Lol. I’m so funny.)

I… don’t think I want to try fisting when I’m already in that much pain to begin with again. And better lube.

I’m totally cool with trying again since that’s something you are into. But… I’m always going to be more fond of fucking. I like feeling a body on me. I like feeling someones hot breath on me.