This weekend I asked Sarah if she would pick me for her zombie apocalypse team. On one hand this is a silly and ridiculous question. On the other hand… Sarah knows more competent people than the vast majority of this planet. So if Sarah wants to pick me that means she is not choosing more competent, skilled people. That’s a big damn deal. Because Sarah knows many of the most competent people in the world.

She says absolutely. Because of my stamina. Because if she gives me an order I will follow it. I will only argue if I have a very serious amount of domain knowledge that leads me to be 100% sure that I’m right. Then I’ll justify myself briefly and we can negotiate. We do this so well.

I’m thinking about that energy tonight. I had two good nights of sleep in a row. 10 hours then 9 hours. Then tonight…4. Sigh. I decided to just take the Klonopin last night instead of also taking melatonin and 200mg of pot. Apparently… that’s not enough sedation. Awesome. I woke up very awake.

Sometimes I wonder about the evolutionary function of people like me–people who can burn energy like this even when it hurts them. It strikes me that this type of idiocy spurs self harm or heroism.

A while back I read an article about a young man from a “troubled past” who rescued a bunch of people during Katrina. He continued to struggle with life after the disaster. A lot of what makes children earn the “troubled” label is having far too much energy for solving problems compared to the adults around you. If you are a high energy person you are trouble.

God this is so broken.

I am pretty sure Noah and I have reached some kind of equilibrium around nonmonogamy stuff. Now we get to put what we talked about into practice and see how it goes.

I feel very guilty. I know there are ways and places in this marriage where I get more than my fair share (like massage–I don’t rub him much because my hands hurt) but there aren’t that many places where I just flat out ask to get more. Usually he gets more or it is hard to tell. I work hard on that because I don’t feel I deserve the deal I get and I would feel really bad if I was more blatantly exploitive of what I have.

I have already taken too much from Noah.

But here I am. Taking more. Ostensibly because it allows me to give more back. I wish I understood why I am hard wired for novelty in a way that is highly unusual even for my promiscuous species. I can make up a story based on trauma or based on my family history but the truth is I don’t know. I can just guess.

Novelty increases my desire and tolerance for all forms of sex. I’m a lot more satisfied with something that doesn’t feel satisfying if I also have novelty. All of a sudden the repetitive is comforting and lovely instead of boring.

But yeah Noah, you are right. We developed some patterns for getting through the breeding years that we are going to have to undo. They no longer serve. It is becoming a bad thing for both of us. How to ask? How to push? What to do?

It all changes and that is so annoying.

I kinda thought I would get to my 30’s and have sex figured out. Sheesh, I’ve fucked enough people I should know what this shit is about. With every year I am more confused. Because life is a bitch.

I sorta feel like in my dream world “my” people wouldn’t live so spread out. Scheduling people months in advance is fraught. It is hard to predict energy levels that far in advance. Given the distances involved and the complicated schedules involved…. scheduling in advance is how I maintain contact with so many people.

But I kind of wish that I had a longer list of people I could email on Thursday night and say, “Hey want to come over tomorrow?”

Because right now that list of people is somewhere between zero and one. On a given week I might feel brave enough to try once but I usually get turned down and don’t have the ovaries to keep asking people because I suck at that flavor of rejection.

SOMEDAY MY BATHROOM WILL BE DONE. That may change some of how we schedule stuff. Having the house be destroyed is sucking. fuuuuuuuck. I need to go talk to the city about my permit. It expires soon. Sigh. Fuck. Shit. Fuck. Shit.

In my dream world I’d get to invite over the folks I like. Some of them I like having sex with and some of them I don’t. We’d all talk and share ideas and laugh and be safe.

That’s my dream world. Where I get to invite people over to my house at the last minute to talk about intense things in a safe environment.

That’s what I want.

I hope I’m heading there.

I don’t want to cut off my friends in favor of my lovers. I want to spend time with people. I feel like I desire contact with people the way other people want air. I want to hear what you think and why. I want to hear more about your story so I can understand.

Do you know how much I want to understand you? I try so hard and I fail so often. Please talk to me more. I’m sorry I have such a thick head. Thank you for your patience in explaining to me repeatedly.

I love you. I want to know you.

*no tags because OWWWWWWWWW arms