Noah and I had a long conversation yesterday and then I’ve had lots of thoughts since then. Goodness figuring out what to call it when I hang out with folks is complicated. I’ve always defaulted to calling anything and everything a “date”. I date my kids and let me tell you, there is no hanky panky.

So when we get into our feelings of jealousy and possessiveness… what counts as an infraction? A date? A concession?

A sexcapade?

We talked at great length about Daddy. Daddy is a friend I’ve been hanging out with lots for over ten years. We’ve played off and on over more than twelve years. We finally just fucked. Am I now barely allowed to see him because he has to be part of the “one date a month” thing?

Complicated.

My one date for the month last night turned into a no sex and no play date. I won’t get another date this month. I don’t have time. So I guess it counts as a date based on what I’m allowed to schedule at the beginning of the month and if it doesn’t turn into sex/play them’s just the breaks.

I don’t have more time to give to it to “make up” for it not going all the way. I get what I get.

I have mixed feelings about last night not turning into sex. Some of them I don’t want to write about because complicated.

How mercenary am I going to be in this lifetime? How blunt? How aggressive? How demanding? How much do I get to say, “Yeah if fucking me isn’t appealing then we… don’t need to date.” I have so many hang ups around sex and desire. I need to feel like when I am carving time away from my life it is to be with someone who is very happy that I am there and yes by golly they want to fuck me.

By the same token I understand that not everyone can get it up every day. There are days I can’t deliver.

I don’t want people to be a life support unit for their genitals so I can get laid either. There is a balance. I understand that sometimes we are tired. Sometimes… it just isn’t a good day and it doesn’t matter that you don’t get another day this month. That’s life.

But I feel like I need to figure out how I feel about this kind of going forward. How do I handle it when Sweet Boys tell me they want to play again but I suspect they want more play like this weekend… where I was so good.

Oh darling boy. Really I’m a debaucherous slut and I was so good about keeping my hands off your intimate parts. I don’t have that kind of self control over the long run.

Ask my submissive. I was supposed to tease him for a while. Shit. I barely made it through one scene before I was ripping his clothes off and telling him that I needed him to fuck me.

oh god.

I don’t have much space. I really don’t. And what I have is… full. Busy. Spoken for.

But golly you are hot.

Nooooooaaaaaaaaaaaah. I’m so bad.

So bad. So bad. So bad.

God he’s hot.

I think I need a cold shower.