Sometimes Noah writes long screeds in private where he calls me on my bullshit and the holes in my memory. I always wonder why he doesn’t do it publicly. He doesn’t want to make me look bad.

Maybe I make myself look bad.

Noah is right that most of our play issues over the years have not been his fault. We’ve really struggled to get bdsm play where we want it to be. Realistically we are closer to where we want to be and we are doing better than we ever have.

And I’m still bitching. What an asshole.

His memory for the rough patches and the failed attempts are better than mine. But that also means he gives me, perhaps, too much understanding around my frustration and impatience. He remembers the fuck ups better than me.

I just feel pissy and can’t articulate why.

I think Noah is right that seeing me play with other people is really important because without that I am shit at explaining what I want from play and why. I can go do it. I can’t always explain it well.

Things are improving and I’m glad for that. I think things will continue to improve. Mostly because Noah is patient, kind, giving, and tolerant.

Thank you.

In my secret heart I hope that the group play helps. Because when Noah and I are bouncing off another person we see sides of one another we don’t otherwise see.

Maybe that is why it is so hard for me to watch him play. Those are pieces of him I don’t get. But I feel like when he watches me play he learns about pieces he could get.

I’m really not fair about this.

Ugh. Ok, the day should start.