Part of what is going on is we have been going down the list of “Over the last ten years I have compromised on ______ and that is costing me.”

Nonmonogamy stuff. Another baby. Time. Attention. Friction of body parts. Energy. Desire.

These are all connected.

Grief ties them all together with bonds of airplane cable.

Even peeing on this bundle will not take the sting out of the pain contained within.

How do you figure out who you need to be. Not just who you want to be, who you need to be. I don’t know.

It is a different conversation to say, “How do we want to do poly if we are done with having kids” vs “Why were we so adamant that we could not have kids unless we were monogamous?”

Why?

Do you realize I’m going to have to start rationing typing? Pregnancy increases fluid which increases inflammation. I should… start working on the pain in my arms now, before Noah has the reversal.

Because holding my baby is a big deal.

I am so excited I can barely breathe. I understand that best case scenario is that by December of 2017 we’ll have a third child. Realistically it’ll take longer than that.

Who knows if Noah will be able to produce a baby.

Who knows how the people in our life will adapt to this. Oh shit.

Oh shit.

Oh shit.