Noah is going to wait till September then start looking around for folks to see solo. Because neither of us really want him going through another period of intense depression if I stop wanting sex.

I’m really scared of this. I deal with Noah dating by hiding in a small space and crying and cutting. Because it is so existentially terrifying to me. No, this isn’t responsible or adult. But it is how I have been coping since I was a small child and it is only fairly recently I have admitted that this is the long-term pattern so I’m not open to being shamed as a “manipulator” because this is how I handle my feelings.

I’m broken. But that doesn’t mean I’m trying to manipulate people. I’m just trying to get through the best I can. I wish my best was better.

I am very grateful that at least three people have already specifically said that if Noah dates they can be Krissy-sitters. Which could help. I have not traditionally had the umph to schedule such things. I’d rather stay home, feel rejected, and hurt myself. Why ask other people to make me feel good when my expectation of life is that I will be rejected and I should be hurt because I am unworthy of being alive.

This isn’t about Noah or the people he dates. Not really. This is about me. This is about my mom. This is about intrinsic worth problems.

I’m thinking a lot about sex vs attention. I think I have mostly always treated sex as attention. The kind I could get.

I was shocked when Deity told me he would be ok with non-sex dates. Aren’t you dating me because you want to get laid? It is weird for me.

Know what I’m noticing? Mostly my folks are people who I pursue. I initiate contact. I ask for dates. I ask for time. I’m the one makes sure we have a relationship.

Someone is pursuing me. And not really for sex. Ok, sex might be nice at some point. But sex isn’t the goal here. Clearly.

You know how you aren’t supposed to compare people? I’m noticing what it feels like to have someone initiate contact with me the way I usually do with other people. oh goodness that’s nice.

I am not sure I have ever been pursued like this in my life. This is by someone who isn’t demanding/pushing for sex. I think there was one person who would have been like if I let him but he had already abandoned children in multiple countries so I told him to fuck all the way off. And he wanted to do it because of sex. He wanted to be having sex for 2-4 hours/day and I could keep up so he wanted to keep me. But no. You abandoned your kids. I don’t want you.

Noah was really distracted at the beginning of when we first dated. He pursued me hard, but he didn’t have a lot of time free. It wasn’t daily. And it was always sex focused. Then I dumped him. Then he showed up and asked me to marry him. Which is a lot of pursuing, and not all of it about sex.

Ok, I know that asexuality exists. But I don’t grok it. I know that you can have romantic but not sexual feelings… but I don’t grok it. I know that someone can theoretically get to a point where they are having “enough sex” and they still want companionship… but I don’t grok it.

Do you know when I don’t want sex? When I’m having hormone problems, my children are present, or I am too torn up to manage.

Otherwise I want sex. I don’t understand this not wanting sex.

Ok, so like I don’t want to frantically bang all the folks I’m friends with from the homeschool group. No. That’s not how it works. I do have blinders where there are non-sexualized people. But I don’t have romantic feelings for them. I have intense affection. I want their company. I think they are lovely people to model off of.

It’s romantic/companionship sans sex I don’t get.

It’s kind of funny. I see Eldest Child manage this. She has romantic feelings without any hint of sexuality. I watch what that looks like. It is….

Whoa.

At her age casual like meant I should have sex with someone let alone intense romantic feelings.

Every day I wonder who I could have been if I would have had a different life.

I’ll never know. Just keep walking.

Last night at bed time all of a sudden I got really giddy. We are going on a cruise! And I will feel beautiful! And people will be there just because they love us and want to support us because otherwise they sure as shit wouldn’t do something like that. Ha!

I know that going on this cruise doesn’t mean that these people love me more than anyone else. It means they have the disposable income and time available. It isn’t about how much other people love me. This is a big big big big big big hurdle.

You don’t have to jump this hurdle to love me. I don’t believe that even a little bit. I’m loved by a lot of people. I know that.

But I’m really excited that there are people who think that the Krissy & Noah Show is worth this much effort. We will try to make it a fun experience. My trip to Florida last year is going to seriously pay off. I know exactly where to go in the Keys. I want to take everyone. We will need to rent two minivans.

Let me show you some of the most beautiful parts of this country before it disappears. Miami just might disappear in our lifetime. At the very least it is going to be damaged worse than New Orleans at some point. Come see it now. It is beautiful.

Thank you for coming with us. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

No. This cruise isn’t a necessary part of proving you love me. But it’s a pretty dramatic showing from a few special people. Jenny is my oldest friend. My Bonus Family is coming. And one unexpected delightful additional family. I didn’t know you were going to be so important to me when I met you. Gosh I’m glad Noah met you at work. That was serendipity.

I look fucking hot in the bikini I bought for the trip. The kids are looking forward to wearing their Miami bikini’s.

Noah should get a full body modesty suit and he hasn’t yet. Ha.

I have uhm done clothes shopping. I do shopping for and on trips. Most of my clothing I bought for the trip to Scotland. I don’t need a lot for this trip so I’m probably done. Maybe I can find my way to Santa Cruz and find some new bloomers though. Mine died an ignoble death.

What a blow out. Sigh.

I even got some miniskirts for Noah’s sake. Eek. My preference is ankle length (or at least cover the knee). Clearly I am a giving and loving wife. Even though I’m not real big on the trophy wife thing…. heh… once in a while I’ll be generous and wear a damn miniskirt.

It’s the little things that make a marriage happy.

I don’t really like it when Noah is depressed because I’m physically incapacitated and I have nothing to give. Which kinda makes it sound like I need to get over resisting what we know combats his depression.

I don’t like reality very much. Reality is a shitty place with horrible things that burst the bubble of my feeling of safety that my glittery hoo haw will make it all come out ok.

Nope. I failed. LIke I fail at so many things. That’s life. I am inadequate. Yup. That’s true. Will I be able to find the courage to ask for help dealing with my resulting bouncing feelings this time? Every other time I have retreated alone to hurt myself.

It’s not because I am trying to manipulate anyone. It is because that is what I think I should do when I have let someone down by not being enough. I don’t know that I have enough ask in me to deal with this. That’s the problem. Because people are busy. Because I’ll suck up my courage and ask that one person and…. they can’t. So I will sit home and cry and hurt myself.

Because I am a terrible burden that no one deserves to have thrust upon them. Because I have never been anything but a terrible burden. I have really already received far more than my fair share of help in this life. Whatever help that exists should go to someone better.

I should just shut the fuck up.

I never seem to manage that part, do I?

I wish I could. I wish I could just hurt myself and shut up about it. But this is part of the record so that my kids will be able to look back some day and go “You were weird around (dates/ages) what was going on?” and I will be able to honestly tell them. But I won’t tell them now. As children all of this has to happen off screen. But someday they will want answers and I don’t want to rewrite history. It is what it is.

I want to be as honest as I can be. Besides, the more honest about it I am with myself the more I can treat it like a fungible problem. I like that word. Fungible. It means replace it with another. That’s kinda what I do with myself. I play games and I move around the goals. I try to figure out how to replace bits and pieces of the game with other bits or pieces.

Can I find a way to replace terror with security?

Fuck if I know. I got turned down for yet another PTSD study. I’ve already done too much work. I’ve tried too many therapies. I’m too motivated.

We have some couples therapy time coming up. It is a long and inconvenient drive and location. So whee. It’ll work out. There’s some stuff we need some outside help with. We can’t listen without shutting down and being defensive. We can’t be open to what the other is really saying we are locked into our fear. We need some help. I’m scared it won’t be enough but it is the next step in trying. We aren’t close to divorce or anything like that. But we aren’t being nice to each other and we want to be. I’m not hearing what the most important pieces are to him and I’m running rough shod over some of the things he cares about and pussy footing around things I don’t need to and I don’t really understand which is which. I need some help breaking this down.

I am not always the best listener. Sometimes I’m sorta a self involved asshole. A little bit.

We need to make this work. We need to find a way or make a way. There is no way out but death and I’d rather not commit suicide right as he finally let me meet the third child I’ve been longing to meet for half my life.

Breakfast time.