Today we are going to the Exploratorium before a potluck discussion tonight. I didn’t sleep enough. Too busy keeping Noah awake with sex.

I think I have managed to convince myself that attention and oxytocin are the best ways to get through this pregnancy. I’m already at a reduced pot rate because of my Abilify period. I hope to keep the reduced tolerance and maybe even slash it some more. I have to. So the ounce I have needs to last until the cruise. I will find a way to stretch this. It’s going to mean a lot of by-choice-not-smoking days. Yuck.

Uhm, luckily I have a number of dates in the middle of the day coming up so I won’t medicate till almost bedtime?

When I was pregnant last time I used pot as an emergency “I’m about to fucking explode” helper and I didn’t love it but I didn’t feel that guilty. In the realm of drugs that doctors want me on for mental health problems… truly pot isn’t so bad. But I wasn’t using how I use now. That didn’t get going till after breastfeeding. If I was using 1/8 every few weeks I wouldn’t care at all about my usage while pregnant and breastfeeding. At this point I’ve had periods where I use 1/8 in two days and that’s not ok with me.

So I have to change it. Ok. That’s a changeable problem.

Also to work on: security/stability. I need to work on how to feel like Noah loves me as much as he does so I can handle him dating. I need to figure out how to get Noah dating to not feel like an existential threat.

That’s a lot of what I need to worry about with regards to this upcoming journey we want to do together. How can I feel safe? This is what I need to do. I need to work on this feeling of unsafe.

Ok. Everyone is ready to go.

I’m looking forward to today. It should be really awesome.

Today I feel very zen. Today I feel so happy and lucky. My life is intensely good. I may have complications and difficulty… but holy crud I’m feeling good and excited.

I feel happier than I have in a while. I’ve been off Abilify for two days. This is the third day. I’ve been off the Klonopin for a couple days longer. My mood is so much better. Hrm.