We are at a point where Noah needs to talk about how he is feeling. He is afraid to talk to anyone we know because he will be describing me in unflattering ways and he feels he can’t do that within my support network.

I disagree.

I think Noah needs to go find some people who are his friends, my friends, or our friends and talk some shit. He needs some validation that I did shitty stuff. He’s feeling terrified of even admitting to himself how hurt he is.

He needs support and it can’t come from me because I’m the problem.

Noah totally does that man thing where 100% of his social support is supposed to come from his wife. This is not sustainable.

Noah is afraid to tell people that he thinks I’m a liar. I think that if I’m a liar we have bigger problems than people knowing that I do it.

Specifically he thinks I’ve lied a lot about the nonmonogamy stuff. I’ve said I want to not do x then done x almost immediately.

Yeah, that’s accurate.

I’m having a fucktastically hard time figuring out what I want. And that is leading to a lot of yes/no/maybe that comes out like lies. I say I won’t do something then I do it. That’s a lie. That’s not like a lie that’s a lie.

I said I wouldn’t be having sex with my submissive then I did. I said I would look for people who wanted group play… I’m not having that great of success. I said I would barely see people and instead I’d rather like to see people a lot.

Yes. These are lies.

Noah… it’s ok to be honest about the ways that I’m hurting you. It’s not only ok, it should be treated as mandatory. Or our relationship is broken.

If you are so hurt you can use the word you used earlier today… you need to talk about your feelings baby. You are important. You are a main character. Your pain does matter.

I love you. I’m not done. I’m not leaving. I want you. I do want forever.

And yes. I know that means I’m going to have to share you too.

It is a dawning realization.