I don’t want to hurt people. That’s not why I sleep with people. I sleep with people because I want to increase the feeling of love in the world. Because I do fall in love with people I sleep with. I can love people and not live with them and not share their lives full time. I can do that.

Sometimes. When it isn’t hurting Noah. Right now me dating solo is hurting Noah.

So I’m failing at not hurting people.

I have to break a heart this week. I can break Noah’s or I can break the Quiet One’s heart. I don’t have a third option.

I rather feel like my heart is breaking too. I fell hard and fast and I’m really happy I didn’t sleep with him. I don’t usually feel like that. Usually I feel like I’d rather have a brief sexual relationship and move on. I think I would bond with him. I think leaving later would hurt way way way worse. I’m glad I caught this before Mardi Gras.

I will heal from this. But I think this might be a permanent hole in my heart. I think this is going to leave a scar.

But I can’t hurt Noah how I am. I just can’t. Not and stay married. Not and stay sane and alive.

I don’t have to like this choice. I just have to do it. Right now my stomach aches and my heart hurts.

Then I get to go spend years repairing the damage I created. Woo. I’m so excited.

I caused a lot of damage. In the end, I got it to the point where we will do more group play than we have in many years. That’s an acceptable compromise after how hard I pushed. I don’t think that would have been an acceptable end point if I had started negotiating for it from monogamy.

So I feel bad and I don’t.

On the upside Deity is no longer scary to Noah. Not compared to the Quiet One. Deity is up for group dates. That just went from scary to awesome. My submissive will feel less scary and intrusive. Daddy is just flat out comfy by comparison.

How come getting what you want feels so conflicting? I want these people. It doesn’t feel like a consolation prize.

But I’m going to have to grieve this possible relationship really hard for a few days. Nobody but Noah has ever been this interested in me.

Walking away hurts.

But I want these babies more. I want Noah more. So I pick this hurt. Even though I’m sorry.