Last night I had the most vivid nightmare I’ve had in years. I have mostly managed to get rid of my nightmares. My sleep problems are usually more related to digestion than nightmares. But last night… last night was horrifying.
In my dream Noah leaned over and told me that he was going to kill me. I told a few people but mostly blew it off. Later in the dream… he killed me. Slowly. By inches. Laughing the whole time.
And I feel very much like I don’t deserve comfort. Like I would deserve it if it happened.
I don’t think this is my magic pill.
Ignoring whether or not your medication caused you to have a more intense nightmare than you’ve had in a long time, the dream itself jumps out at me. I have never subscribed to the dream symbology theories, but I do believe the theory that intense emotion/feelings in dreams can reflect the same feelings in one’s waking life, even if we might be trying to hide from them or bury them. This reflects so much of what you’ve said over the time I’ve been reading your blog. I don’t think you’re hiding from these feelings, you talk openly about them! But the idea that Noah is killing you by inches, and that you think maybe you deserve it? I’ve been seeing that refrain phrased differently. I have never seen anything to indicate that you feel he’s gleeful about it, though that might be a secret fear or anger you have in moments of extreme frustration.
It’s so hard to know what’s right. I *feel* for you. You feel that monogamy and obedience to your shared ideals and agreements has been killing you by inches. You fight back and have some exhilaration, some vitality and excitement, but then all your built up security is at risk, which also feel like a real threat to life and limb and besides that you hate hurting Noah. 🙁
My dr thinks my need for polyamory is ADD driven. Novelty seeking. I don’t know that. I don’t feel that. I personally always felt that my yearning (never fulfilled) for a group marriage or relationship came from a great need for love. I don’t feel very lovable, if I was in a relationship with 2, 3, 4, 5+ people who loved me, well I’d be pretty loved, right? I’d be LOVABLE. Maybe I’d even FEEL it.
I’m afraid that I don’t have the superior social skills to be part of that sort of complex dynamic. Instead the best I’ve managed is to have real relationships with several people. 🙂 I don’t think it’s novelty seeking, because I Stay. I also don’t just keep adding and adding, I never have exceeded 4 relationships that involve sex. Not by plan, that’s just as far as my time stretches. I also have 2 intense emotional/play relationships now that Don’t include sex. This is pretty freaking challenging, but most of my partners are better at this than I am, are patient with me, are kind…., I am lucky and grateful. And yet! And yet I’m still insecure. :/ …is it helping? Do I feel lovable? …*sometimes* ….I am actively working on learning to love Myself. I can do it pretty well when I conceptualize it as loving my hurt inner child. Loving myself as I am now? That’s trickier, I’m working on it. I’m working my way in from the edges, loving traits and aspects of myself. Sorry to process on your blog, I started with my thoughts on your post, wishing that I could help. My personal experience is unresolved, I haven’t figured it all out and can’t give you the clear guidance that I would love to receive! lol But, just in case there are parallels that you can draw insight from, I’m sharing my experience and thoughts.
*hugs* Thank you for sharing.