I started the day with chores. Watering the yards, making breakfast, showering, getting the kids ready for a day. Emailed with the contractor. I also arranged one leg of the shuttle journey for the Florida trip. The other two legs are proving cantankerous. So it’ll take more work. I tried for half an hour then had to leave.

We drove to Oakland. It wasn’t a fun drive. Gosh we have a hard time being nice to one another lately. We had a therapy session together. It was… so festive my therapist asked if Noah could pretty please come back again. (My therapist is feeling pretty freaked out the “Best Marriage She Has Ever Heard Of” is flailing so badly. She feels the need to uhhh intervene.) Then I drove him to a thing he had in El Cerrito and dropped him off.

Then I came back to Fremont. I scarfed food. Emailed insurance broker because we are getting harassed by the bank again. Went to the nutritionist to pick up yet more pills. Went to pick the kids up from the movie they were at with their babysitter. Had to sit and wait 20 minutes. Whee.

Dropped off the babysitter, went grocery shopping. Came home. Threw the food into semi-appropriate housing. Got the kid dressed for Tae Kwon Do. Went to class. Came home to get the thing we forgot for the girl’s class. Went back to Tae Kwon Do for a second class.

Came home. Cleaned up from enormous mess that arrived from the grandmother. When she sends us stuff it always comes with three garbage bags full of non-recyclable packing materials. Yay. And a full recycling can full of recyclable bits. All so the kids can have a third god damn horse for their dolls.

Assembled dinner for the kids. Assembled dinner for myself. Sat down. Ate three bites. Oh. Time to go pick Noah up from BART.

Did that. Now here I am. I’ve eaten half the bowl of soup. (Leftover split pea, hella good.)

I had a good time in the car on the drive home from El Cerrito. I spent a lot of time listening to Beyoncé sing about how her husband ain’t married to no average bitch.

I’m not married to an average bitch either.

I have a deal that is better than one could imagine if they made it up. Is it perfect? No. God no. But I need to figure out how to make this work.

I told the Quiet One I need to stop talking to him. I poisoned that well. It’s my fault and I’m not blaming anyone but me. But I’m hurting Noah by continuing any friendship at all there and I need to stop. I need to not make Noah veto someone. Making him feel backed into a corner is… something I need to not do casually.

There are a lot of things I don’t like in this life that I have to do anyway.

I’m trying to figure out what that means.

I can already feel the pendulum swinging back towards center on several points of my hysteria. I still don’t know what the answer will be.

But I feel a lot more sure I need to find an answer with Noah.