I will sleep soon. I sure hope. I had my last bit of soda around 4am. It’s 9:13. I’ve been awake for about 42 hours. I’m tired, but not sleepy yet. I will lay down soon. Right now, I’m medicating.

We went to a party tonight. It was one of the most comfortable parties I’ve been to in a long time. I didn’t feel anxious at all. I felt included and appreciated by folks I’ve know for many years. It was a sit around and chat sort of party. Maybe there was one heterosexual in the room but I wouldn’t put money on that person being so? It was the kind of party where you can talk about religion, magic, computers, running, obsessive video games, gender, sexual orientation, pets, children, house remodeling, and then there was when I got to drop the line, “Oh I like being the fourth person someone fucks in a day” and everyone in the room was delighted.

Yeah, I’ve done that. It was dreamy and soft and very gentle and loving. All of their urgency was long spent. It was the soft worship left to wallow in. Sex is awesome.

I’ve been reading a lot about couples privilege. I have a lot to think about with regards to my friendships and my lovers. I don’t really want to go through life using people. Well, unless they negotiate that they really want to be used. Then we will respectfully negotiate a mutually agreeable time (my schedule is not the only important one and all) and then we’ll see.

What does it mean to be one flesh? Noah really wants a deeply enmeshed marriage. I have mixed feelings. I want it and it is hard. There are a lot of things and actions I enjoy that got… taken off the burner and put in a box in the shed. It wasn’t left to simmer.

But things are improving.

It is hard to talk about a situation without just sounding like I’m complaining. I’m trying to figure out what I think.

I’ve spent my entire adult life around non monogamous people. I thought of Noah as someone who deeply wanted polyamory but couldn’t always have it because life is complicated. Oh. Shit. One of these years I’d like to get to the point of being wrong less fucking often.

We spend a lot of time around each other. He’s been working from home for six months now. ONCE THIS FUCKING REMODEL IS OVER it will be glorious. It is good even with the fuss.

We eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner together–all four of us– just about every day. We talk to each other all day long. We are all talkers like whoa. You know how much I write? I talk more than that and I’m one of the less talkative ones in the house.

Holy tomato. The sheer flood of words in our house.

It is validating and lovely and loving. It is chaos and light. It is entropy and order. I feel like I’m going to be totally good at compersion… with my kids.

I’m pretty sure I will be the sort of person who can barely handle specifics of my kids sex life. I’m open to questions, even fairly technically specific ones. I just… need them to be theoretical to some degree. I think I’m going to need to not know for sure exactly what you do. I will provide access to books for self study on a variety of topics. I will introduce my kids to some of my brilliant sex educator friends. My buddies won’t let my kids down.

I really want to know if you a) feel safe b) have fun c) play safe d) have an exit strategy for if things go south.

Past that… I’m cool. You do you. Off-stage from me. Holy shit. I don’t want to know too much.

Do you know how much pornography I consume? A lot. I read stories. I like pictures. Videos are fun.

I DON’T WANT TO KNOW SPECIFICS OF MY CHILDRENS SEX LIVES.

Because even freaky weird perverts have limits, yo.

I’m glad my kids didn’t come to the party with us tonight. I’m glad I got to enjoy the company of wonderful perverts.

And I got schooled on assuming everyone likes rough sex. There I go projecting again. I’m sorry. I was rude.

I feel like I am just getting to the point where I understand what it means to understand the different kinds of interests in the leather communities (no I don’t capitalize leather). I think I’ve always assumed folks were… more like me. That’s partially a function of the perfect, delightful little group I fell into.

I’ll be grateful for all of you for all of my life.

It may be the drugs talking, but right this minute I like being me.

Also, this song is wonderful and I’m glad they made it. Yay.