Still not sleeping well. Still in extra pain though it is not as bad as it was yesterday. The nose drip is gone (phew). My stomach pain sucks. I am irritable as a mother fucker. I still feel suicidal.  I’m scared to keep trying this. I’m scared to stop because then I have a doctor who can once again call me non-compliant.

I don’t know how to have a positive result here.

My boundaries are weaker than normal. I had a conversation with EC this morning about sexual assault and rape that probably got a hair more explicit than necessary. (I wasn’t gross or extreme.) It came up that sometimes rape produces babies. I told her I’m one of them.

Her response was that now she understands why I made sleep away camp so many points–I don’t want to be away from her so I’m trying to make it hard for her to get away. I thought that was a really sweet way to look at it. We then proceeded to explain that actually sleep away camp costs more points than day camp because it costs 7x’s as much money and I have to drive you hours away to get there. But sure, I am sad about losing time with you. I like being near you so very much.

She asked me if she and her sibling were born of rape. I told her no. I told her that she was loved and wanted from the second a sperm hit an egg. I wanted her before that even happened. I want my babies. I want to be allowed to love them.

Yesterday someone I follow on the internet expressed that white people want to be loved by everyone in the world and it’s ridiculous. I can’t deny that I wish everyone loved me. I’m not going to change my behavior or beliefs to try and earn that love so I know that a great many people hold me in contempt. That’s life. But yes, I would really like to be allowed to love everyone and have them love me back.

I’m not sure why that’s so awful.