Today was interesting. I walked out of my therapy session 1/3 of the way into it. Then I fired my psychiatrist 8 minutes into our session. What a productive use of driving that far.

I then literally drove somewhere to schedule an appointment with a different kind of therapist. Because I’m me.

Because when someone tells me that my lack of desire to conform to what they want from me is proof that I lack a growth mindset I’ll turn around and look for growth in a different direction. Fuck you. It isn’t that I lack the desire to grow. It is that I believe with every fiber of my being that your Standards of Practice are not the path to health for me.

I think I’m going to have a weird and convoluted path that doesn’t resemble the path other people need. That isn’t because I think I can’t grow. It is because I believe that the things I need are non standard. I believe that a lot of what people need is actively negative for me even though it is awesome for other people. I don’t think that is true because I believe I can’t change. I just don’t think I can be what other people are.

I don’t think that means I am incapable of growth. I think it means I’m going to have a weird as fuck growth pattern.

Communication is a two way street. Sometimes people cannot reach a place of understanding and that doesn’t mean anyone has failed. It means that you don’t have shared language or goals or understanding.

Sometimes miscommunication just is.

I traumatize some people just by existing. I have big issues with medical providers that come from me but is also related to the training and belief structures inculcated during the educational process.

It’s me and it isn’t me.

I’m kinda angry that I had a psychiatrist tell me to my face that I have to try every drug sold because some drug out there will be the miracle that will fix my brain and cause my PTSD to go into remission.

That’s not growth mindset. That’s magical thinking.

You don’t want us to build trust you want me to comply with what you want.

Yeah, no.

Guess what I don’t spend a lot of time doing?

Yeah. I don’t spend a lot of time complying with what people want just because they want it. It’s kind of a lifestyle choice.

So expect an obscene amount of navel gazing over the next two weeks. I need to spend some time thinking about what I want to work on in therapy. Or I might need a break from therapy for a while. It isn’t that I’m stable. It is that maybe I have exhausted this bag of tricks and I need to find a different bag.

That happens.

If I didn’t feel this sick anxiety in my stomach about not being done painting I’d be in a much better place right now.

Hahahahaha. Maybe. I’m fucking flipping out. But that’s complicated.

The next few weeks have to unwind some stuff. I just have to.

Every day this week I have thought that I should get up and work. Guess how much I have accomplished? Very little. I’m so tired.

I feel sore as opposed to being in pain. Which I suppose is good.

I don’t know how to not feel butthurt right now. Stupid shit is getting under my skin. I feel so bad and worthless.

My friend who I bought the car for… turns out the car we bought had a busted head gasket. So I loaned her a bunch of additional money on top of already paying more for the car than I had strictly speaking wanted to spend. This is troublesome because it impacts my charity budget. It means I really should give less to other causes/people until I right my budget. So then I feel like a piece of shit selfish white person who isn’t helping because I couldn’t manage my money right.

I don’t have enough to give to feel like I can deserve what I get. My life is so much better than I deserve.

But I’m not meeting some of my long term goals how I want. If I’m not selfish I will fail my family.

My brain feels like Swiss cheese. I’ve been working on this in pieces for hours. That’s ridiculous.

I don’t do pranks. They make me hate people. No thanks. I’m precarious enough in my ability to keep my emotions stable.

I fucked something up for this week and I’m trying to stop feeling bad. I tried to do a nice thing. But intentions are shit. I tried to do a nice thing and to the best of my knowledge no one hates me, but I feel bad. I shouldn’t have overstepped my boundaries.

I like surprising people. I like feeling like paying attention to them is a good thing, but reality is that sometimes things are mixed.

I feel bad that I had to email folks and say, “I invited you to a thing. I shouldn’t have. Oh shit.”

I love every single person involved here (and they love me and they are patient with me). But now I have this feeling of collapse because I’m so terrible and thoughtless. No one wants me to collapse. We need to just reschedule a few things and it isn’t the end of the world. I will see all of these people more.

I’m just not scheduling very well at this stage. I feel like I’m in a state of mental collapse. I want to do a whole bunch of things. I feel like I’m basically done with the remodel so continued hesitation about jumping right back into a full life is laziness, right?

Did I mention that all of my health care providers were really happy when I told them I hadn’t finished painting because my body feels like it is completely toast. “Good! You are listening to your body! This is a healthy thing!”

But I’m a loser slacker who can’t fucking close.

I “know” that isn’t true. I’m exhausted and you don’t bounce back from that in a day or two. But I’m struggling with having patience for myself.

Why can’t I take care of people better? Why can’t I be there for them better? Why can’t I help more? Why am I so selfish and self focused? Why do I care about the fact that I want to feel good about myself for offering ____ kind of help but if that isn’t what you want I feel like you don’t want me?

It’s all so messed up.

I don’t think I did something evil. No one else thinks I did something evil (I think) but I feel bad about inviting someone then uninviting them. You are so important to me and I’m sorry I was callous with your feelings.

And then I haven’t scheduled something to replace it yet because I’m afraid I would cry and cry and cry. I’m trying so hard to get back into the swing of socializing and it is very mixed. I’m exhausted.

I have spent a lot of years wondering if I am an extrovert or an introvert. If I don’t spend time with people I get horribly depressed. I need people. But being around them wears me the fuck out. I love you and I wish I could handle being around you all day every day. The reality is I can’t. I’ll flip out.

It isn’t you. It’s me.

You deserve so much better from me.

I feel like a selfish piece of shit. Everything is about me me me.