I am so excited about going to Alaska that I feel like I can barely breathe. Do you know what a big chunk of my excitement stems from? My friend invited me to come visit.
When I went on the road trip I felt like I was imposing on people. No one invited us. I just said, “I’m coming through your area, want to see us?” Some folks clearly didn’t want to see us but didn’t have the cajones to tell me no. I wish they had. We would have been fine without stopping to see you.
When I go to Portland or Eugene I go because I contact people up there and say “Hey, may I come visit?”
When I go to Disneyland or on a girls-trip with my friends to Hawaii… I invite people. I push for the trips. I ask and ask.
I think the last time I can remember being invited somewhere was Scotland for Jenny’s wedding.
Nope! I was invited to a wedding in New York. By a person who wouldn’t leave their apartment to see me while I was in the city because that was just too strenuous. So I flew to their wedding, was a good audience member, was barely spoken to, then I left. In fact every time I’ve gone to New York City I’ve had the experience of having pretty much everyone I know in the city tell me that they can’t be bothered to leave their apartment and walk a block or two to see me. Every time I’ve been there I’ve left feeling unimportant, degraded, and stupid.
I had this series of thoughts partially because I’ve been feeling really guilty that I’m not reaching out to people more. There is this list of people in my head that I’ve been slacking on contacting and I feel like I’m bad because I’m not reaching out more.
But most of the people on the list of folks that I feel bad for not reaching out to… they never contact me. Some of these people I’ve known for 16, 19 years. They don’t contact me. We are still “friends” because I reach out over and over and over again.
You know what? I think I’m going to start only calling people who have called me recently. If someone hasn’t reached out to me in over a year (or for fuck’s sake over a decade) I think I should stop trying so hard.
This reaching out for people who aren’t that into me is hurting me and I need to stop.
You want to know something? We are very much the same. I know the felling of reaching out to people that want nothing to do with me.
Crazy! We must be twins. LOL
I have such a hard time figuring out this sort of stuff.
Have been told more than once that I was a bad friend by people I saw in person for hours more than twice a week. Then theres other people I gave up reaching out to after being repeatedly told they were too busy but then I find out i am the one person who doesnt get invited anymore (they live in the same city). I want to see people but people rarely want to come here and I cant afford to go out so that leaves…inviting myself to their house and begging for a ride and dog stuff? Which feels gross so i dont do it. I dont know.
I really wish the timing of my move had been different for your road trip. So much I would have done differently if I could have predicted the future.
Well, but I consider the occasional email or IM conversation to be reaching out. I don’t need everyone in my life to be extending constant week long vacation invitations. You reach out. You talk to people as best as you are able.
I have a hard time with “Come swimming sometime” and an easy time with “Do you have a free day in the next two weeks to come swimming?”
I don’t mind coming to get you and your dog. I enjoy both of your company. I don’t consider it gross. I grew up semi-rurally–anyone who spent time with me had to drive a long way to come and get me. It’s karma. I have some to pay back. I get that it is complicated though.
Whether people are actually doing the best they can or not… you have to keep moving with your own life. I’m just realizing I want to do a lot more reaching for people who reach back and a lot less chasing people who never turn and return the noticing.
For reference, I’m not the best social initiator/ planner, and I like spontaneous visits/social invitations. Everyone has different rhythms around these things. I have another friend who it is known among our circle that he will pretty much never plan anything on his own, but is game for just about anything you suggest. No judgement, it’s just how he is.
Well, and you periodically reach out to me to text or you email me or something. You do keep in touch. You don’t ask me to come to town, but you keep in touch. You let me know you are thinking about me. So does Dad.
It would just be nice to feel invited instead of like a party crasher sometimes. It’s actually why I come up disproportionately in February. Dad invites me to his birthday party and that’s the one formal invitation I get from him a year.
You always have an open invitation…but I will certainly try to keep in mind if a more specific invitation opportunity presents itself. I think also I have the impression that travel (driving or flying) is enormously stressful for you, and I think as a result I may feel like you prefer to be visited.
Traveling is stressful yes. But I love to travel it’s a big deal for me I do it as much as I can.